It’s not easy to invite people into a mess like this one, because it’s difficult to decide how much to share!
There are a million other threads to my story that contributed to our ruin — because it’s never just one or two things that bring you down. So when my world first started to unravel, I wanted to share my feelings with people who knew all of my story — including the back story details about our family, my health issues, my husband’s colorful life… All of it.
But finding a way to let people into my confusion was really difficult. Plus, in the beginning, if I invited an outsider in, I knew that the way I was looking at things would’ve made it too easy for people to file my experiences under the category of “rich people problems.”
Because early on, losing all of my “stuff” was all I could talk about.
But please trust me when I say this. It was tricky enough for me to manage my own questions and fears when this was happening to me; but when I attempted to add the feelings, fears
By the time all of this happened to me, my mom had passed away, and my dad was remarried, and living a new life somewhere in Texas. I didn’t want to worry my dad — or give him any reason to doubt Lou’s ability to take care of his youngest daughter. So calling Edna Pearl was originally my first attempt at grasping for an emotional lifeline.
As always, my grandmother saved me.
The first time I called her, Edna Pearl seemed appropriately stunned by the gravity of our financial loss. She was very sympathetic about my fears around how we were going to survive under the mountain of debt we’d suddenly created, and she comforted me by just listening without interruption. To her amazing credit, Edna Pearl never made any suggestions about what we “should” do. She just stayed on the line for as long as I needed her to, and…
She told me she loved me.
But the second time I called Edna Pearl she had a very different energy all together. When I started in on my whiny recap of how Lou got us into this mess, she piped right up with her signature quick wit. She said, “Well, Honey! The time to complain about how Lou set up your finances was way back when you had some finances to set up!”
Oh. Good point.
That was the day that my grandmother handed down some life-altering wisdom that’s helped me to endure multiple financial, health, and circumstantial meltdowns that I didn’t know were going to be a part of my future.
Here’s what she said:
“Sonja, I know you’re scared. That’s understandable. But you can’t go backward; you can only go forward. And right now, your husband needs you to help him go forward. He is a very talented young man, who has done a lot of huge things in his career. On four different attempts, Lou has done what most men can only hope to do once; and if Lou could do it four times before, then I have no doubt he can do it again! But he can only do it well if YOU stop doubting him. There is no one in the world that is beating up Lou more than Lou is beating up himself; he doesn’t need you to pile on. So you can call me every day if you need to, and when you do, you’re free to complain and criticize Lou all you want; but NEVER let Lou see you looking down on him. Honey, I know this for certain: your husband needs to look into your eyes and see nothing but belief staring back at him. He needs to see your faith in God, and he needs to see your unconditional love and support for him. Can you do that? Because I already know you can. I know this because you believed in him enough to marry him — for better or for worse. Remember? You promised.”
Oh Edna Pearl…
My grandmother’s firm words forced my body to slam into the “rock bottom” that I was desperately trying to avoid, or at least buffer with my entitled and bitter belief that I didn’t deserve to be in this horrible place of loss. She reminded me of who my husband is, and she reminded me about the awesome power of faith. She nailed me on every level that I needed to be nailed in order to find my conviction again, and I’ll never stop thanking God for her courage when using her words with her very fragile granddaughter. Edna Pearl knew exactly how to wield her velvet hammer of Truth…
I must confess, recalling all of this makes feel truly ashamed of how ugly my thoughts were about my life back then — because it reveals to you how circumstantially based my worldview was at that time. My safety and security were completely wrapped up in my worldly wealth, in all of Lou’s past successes, and…in all of my fancy things.
I’d started to lose sight of my faith, and the eternal things that I always thought I valued most. My words about my faith didn’t have the weight of my unwavering belief behind them the way I thought they did. And, my true understanding and knowledge of who my husband is in my life got sucked into this tornado of fear that was starting to destroy me inside.
But Edna Pearl helped me reset my thought life. She helped me to look at Lou with fresh, hope-filled eyes. And… My grandma reminded me that when I married Lou, I made a promise.
