When Lou was trying to secure more consulting contracts to get us out of our current jam, he started offering my writing talents as a part of a “package deal” for his new clients.
He got me involved with the public company he was consulting to rewrite all of their marketing content, and, he brokered a deal for me to write a business plan for another guy he met who was raising money to start his own app-driven education platform.
I reluctantly wrote my heart out for both of these groups, and in the end, they both tried to stiff us. They had my actual work product, and this time, I was ready to fight for their worth. The problem was, I found myself fighting against Lou more than the companies.
Please know that I totally get where Lou was coming from.
We were on another sinking ship, and he felt like if we bailed water together, we might just keep the ship from going under before we could reach the shore. And, I had obviously proved to him how good I am at bailing out a sinking ship when I jumped in and wrote for the Miami company, as well as for Mr. Kimchi. Lou knew I had it in me to help the new companies he was consulting, and with my work product, he could add value to his contributions in a very tangible way.
But I was very, very broken inside at that time.
Life had officially worn me down, and I believe I had reached my honest limits for holding it together. I was angry. Sometimes I thought I was angry with Lou, but mostly, I was angry that I lost my way so badly during my very long season of surviving.
Looking back now, I realize I was mostly angry to be in a space where it felt like I had no personal worth anymore. And I was furious that I let people like Lou and Mr. Kimchi persuade me to give away my words and the intellect that was attached to them with no regard for their value. I felt like Lou was pimping out my writing skills, and not demanding that I get paid for my contributions.
I know Lou wasn’t a word pimp… He was just trying to survive, too, and he believed he was only asking me to join him by giving it my all the way he was giving
Unfortunately, I could never come up with a useful way to explain myself to Lou because everything I did and said back then sounded so selfish and entitled — even to me. But I was losing track of so many parts of myself and my life that I had a kind of stress-induced vertigo that makes my memories of that time very convoluted.
I do recall that it was an awful time for Lou and me. We fought for and against each other almost every day, and I only remember feeling guilty, angry, and terrified all the time. I could never figure out how to be in this life we had… I was tired of people using my husband, and I was tired of Lou using my writing skills to support people and companies that I didn’t believe in.
Things came to a very messy ending with the guy with the education app, and that whole transaction ended up hurting my marriage more than anything. The stress in our lives had started tearing us apart, and I was letting it.
Lou and I were both so raw and exposed, and we were about to be homeless again. We were getting evicted from our condo, and the heartache of letting another landlord down was eating me alive. I hadn’t perfected the art of letting go of my life like I thought I had. I was clinging to all the wrong things again, just like I did all those many years ago when we first lost our trust.
It turned out that I hadn’t changed all that much after all. I just had a lot of glossy scars on my heart that were still in the process of healing into lasting changes in my character.
But Lou never lost it. He kept trying. And even though we were bickering all the time, and I was shutting down on him, Lou kept seeking ways to get us out of another financial death spiral. Lou was open to any possibility, and even though I know discouragement was his biggest enemy, he woke up every day with a belief that he could figure something out. He was all over the map in what he talked about and pursued, but no possibility was shut out of Lou’s process.
I think many people who knew us back then thought Lou was flakey or indecisive — and maybe he was. But I see now that Lou was also imagining a possibility for us — something very few people can do with is as much creativity and hope as Lou. I know I gave him zero credit for his tenacity back then, but if Lou hadn’t been so strong, we wouldn’t have made it. If Lou hadn’t been the man he is, I would’ve lost all of my hope. Completely.
