Lou wasn’t coming back to Utah until the first full week of January, which meant we would each be ringing in the New Year on our own.
Henry hosted an annual New Year’s Eve party, complete with a fireworks display, and lots and lots of family and friends from his and Jackie’s ward. So my plan was to attend that party and mix in with some of the truly beautiful and kind people I’d already met from Jackie’s church.
Oddly enough, Henry met Sam a few times after I started working with him, and he ended up inviting Sam to his party, too. So even though Sam and I had traded one or two texts about meeting up to prepare all four scripts to finally send off to Roy, the party was going to be the first time I’d actually connected with Sam since before Christmas.
Several hours before the party, I remember being all mixed up inside about seeing Sam that night. I felt worried about how I’d feel when I saw him because of how hurt I was feeling toward Lou, and, I was sincerely worried about how it would work for me to blend together the two sides of my life — that is, “my Sam world” with the world I had with Jackie. Jackie was privy to so much about my un-tethered reality with Sam, but it was still odd for me to imagine how these two sides of my little world would gel.
On top of that, Sam was very much a winter hippie — which made it awkward for me to imagine him mixing in with this party that would be comprised mostly of people from the Mormon faith.
Sam was a lot cleaner than most of his hard core pals; but just like many of his friends, Sam had an aura of spiritual confusion around him that seemed to make it difficult for him to define for himself how his faith and his life could harmoniously align. I always felt honored when Sam would try to unpack the details of his life and his beliefs with me. He had Mormon roots, but when I knew him, he seemed genuinely stuck between his religion and his spirituality, and I never knew quite how to process that with him. My faith, my “religion,” and my spirituality are all very clear to me, but I know other people aren’t always so certain.
Maybe because of the personal things that Sam shared with me, I started paying attention to the people around me differently. I started to notice that some of the winter hippies in the dirty coffee shops around town may have looked like they needed a good scrub down with some anti-bacterial soap — and a bottle or two of hair conditioner — but there was often a sense of sadness and conflict in the mix of what I saw that sincerely burdened my heart. For me, there was this noticeably stark contrast among the majority of people who lived in Salt Lake City that I found myself constantly pondering.
In my view, I could see the devout Mormons — with their gorgeous families, and their total sense of community — living among the arrogant sport-enthusiasts and grungy winter hippies — who seemed to be somewhat disenfranchised members of the culture, and, who often spoke openly and bitterly about the influence of the Church. Since I’m neither Mormon, nor a winter hippie — and can only call myself a partial sport-enthusiast — I never knew how to reconcile my own thoughts about the contrasts I could see in the people around me either. And so I mostly just felt the cultural rift — but I had no idea what to do to merge the polarizing sides together in my mind.
So most of the time, I just allowed the two world views to coexist around me, while I attempted to walk freely in the gaps I found in-between. I valued my time with the Mormons I knew, and could easily find common ground and love in our mutual belief in the Bible and Jesus; but, I valued my time with winter hippies like Sam, too, because he often helped me see how important it is to listen with openness so I could understand people better, and ultimately find some empathy and love in my heart for their particular journey.
But that in-between gap is not always very roomy… And, that was where I felt my concern. I didn’t want to offend anyone at the party, or invite an awkward element into Jackie’s home. (Even if no one else would feel it, I knew for sure I would.)
Anyway.
On the afternoon of the party, I remember trying to process my thoughts about the party, and, the fact that Lou and I were heading into another new year with almost no answers or ideas about our lives, and, our marriage felt like a very thin, very fragile icicle was holding it together. I remember feeling gloomy and sad…and cold. I was always cold.
I was sitting in the dirty coffee shop, drinking coffee, and journaling some thoughts and ideas for how I wanted to frame things up in my mind for the new year when Sam texted me one of his famously dodgy text messages:
c u tonite – ok if i bring a date?
On the iPhone, there are these little bubbles that show up and blink when you read a text message, and the sender is actively waiting for your reply. Those bubbles always remind me that a real live person is attached to the words — and in this case, that person triggered more feelings in me than he should have. So I quickly typed back:
Yes – I’m sure that will be fine – can’t wait to meet her!!
The two exclamation points at the end of that text were a sign to myself that I was pandering. I really wasn’t excited to meet Sam’s date — I wasn’t even sure if I could handle seeing Sam! But as the adrenaline settled in my limbs, knowing that Sam was bringing someone to the party actually calmed me, and made me feel so much better about going. I needed to have a buffer like that. It was perfect.
But nothing about Sam’s participation in that party turned out to be perfect. In fact, it was kind of horrifying, and his presence created even more confusion and conflict for me about my life in Utah.
I showed up earlier that evening to help Jackie set up for the party, and so by the time Sam arrived, I had already been enjoying myself with some of the really nice guests. I remember I was sitting in the living room, chatting with two of Jackie’s really good girlfriends when I heard Henry say, “Sonja – Sam’s here.”
When I looked up, nothing could have prepared me for what I saw.
Sam was standing just inside of the kitchen with a very short girl with long, light-brown hair. But behind Sam and his date was what looked like a mob of winter hippies that almost seemed to have a haze of smoke or steam rising off of them as they pushed further into Jackie’s kitchen. As I moved closer to Sam and his merry band of weirdoes, I instantly felt the crowd divide into my spirit animal’s favorite two classification categories: clean vs. dirty.
I was so shocked to see so many people in Sam’s entourage — many of whom I’d seen or even briefly met at the Twisty Bendy Coffee Shop. But to see them standing in Jackie’s stunning home, surrounded by her beautiful and very clear-minded friends was horribly disorienting.
Sam made the first move — he closed the gap between us and gave me a quick hug. Then he introduced me to his date. Her name was “Melanie,” and she looked like she was in her very early 20’s. She had a very plump baby-face and shiny eyes that made me think she’d had a few drinks that night. But she seemed very sweet, and I remember I gave her a quick hug — mostly because I was nervous, and a handshake seemed too stiff.
I turned my attention back to Sam, and we made some super awkward conversation about his Christmas… All the while, in my peripheral vision, I could see the winter hippies fanning out to inspect the dessert table. The guy I’d seen before wearing the wolf hood was there — and he was still wearing the wolf hood — but this time, he had on fury boots, too. I also noticed that he had a small acoustic guitar tied to his back with a thin rope.
After the wolf man finished eating a cookie from a huge platter on the table, he pulled his guitar off of his back, and started playing and singing an original song of his, wishing everyone a Happy New Year.
I remember being so conflicted. His song was actually very sweet, and he had a nice voice — but his presence at that party felt as wrong as a fart in church! When I looked over at Sam, he was canoodling his date, while one of Jackie’s good friends and her husband were holding their glasses of Martinelli’s Sparkling Apple Cider with very baffled looks on their faces.
