By the time Sam and I met for our next writing session, Lou was back in town, and he was feeling a little better.
But in some ways, the pressure Lou was under when he got back to Utah had somehow increased and intensified. He was ready to attack work differently now that his body was on the mend, and, now that we were living on our own, Lou wanted nothing more than to be financially emancipated from Henry and Jim. Something I know I can state as a fact for Lou (and for myself) is that it is demoralizing and exhausting to always be beholden to others for your survival.
Being needy is wearing on the soul…
So even though Lou was in less pain, I often felt like he was “loaded for bear.” He was aggressive and determined, and I remember feeling nervous around him because I was never sure what would set him off. In my journal, I wrote a few observations about his determination, and I framed it up as a good thing. But I also wrote about how I didn’t know how to be around that version of Lou, and it seemed to make me even more lost in a fog of uncertainty.
On the first afternoon that I met with Sam to review the rest of the episodes, it was sunny outside, and all of the winter hippies who were gathered together in my neighborhood’s dirty coffee shop seemed happy and bright. But when Sam arrived, it was as if he brought a dark cloud into the coffee shop with him.
After we ordered our hot drinks, I asked Sam if he was OK. He said no. He was nursing some disappointment over the girl he brought to the New Year’s Eve party, Melanie. After what Sam thought of as a wonderful weekend together, Melanie parted ways with Sam to “spend time with her mom,” only to post pictures of herself with another guy on social media a few hours later.
Our review session quickly turned into a therapy session of sorts where I jumped into Sam’s life with both feet, hoping that I could spare my friend from some sadness and humiliation. As Sam expressed how terrible he was feeling, I remember feeling energized and full of good answers.
I remember telling Sam that I thought maybe he needed to aim a bit higher. Melanie was still pretty young, and she didn’t have all that much life experience to offer him, and maybe she was still searching to find herself. I remember adding that there’s nothing wrong with a girl whose greatest ambition is to clean up blood in the ER, but maybe for Sam, a girl with higher goals might be more…fulfilling?
Just a thought.
I told Sam about a big conversation I had with my dad about dating. My senior year of high school, I suddenly and unexpectedly broke up with my amazing and awesome boyfriend, and I started dating this kind of a druggie surfer dude I met on the beach. My dad was pretty much beside himself, but one day, he told me something that I’ll never forget.
He said that even though he didn’t like the beach bum guy at all, he knew that a guy who aims for a girl who is out of his league has a bigger future than someone who aims too low. If a guy gets a girl he doesn’t believe he deserves, he’ll have to work for the rest of his life to always be better and stronger to keep her — and, to make sure she never regrets picking him.
My dad, of course, didn’t believe my surfer dude would turn out to be the fighter who went the distance to “deserve” me. So he turned that story around to apply to me. He said that I would never regret shooting for the moon because I’d have to constantly work on myself to stay on course to reach such a high and lofty destination. Somehow, my dad offered me this really useful reality check that taught me how important it is to know what you want, and to hold out for it — even on the days when you feel too tired to keep trying.
I remember my chat with Sam that day was one of my favorite and most honest exchanges with him. I felt myself willingly seeing Sam as himself — not as a character living in my elaborate fiction — and, everything I told him kept reminding me of my Truth with Lou. As I tried to give Sam some new insights into his love life, I was only reminding myself of the man I married.
Lou was my moon.
When I fell for Lou, he was the guy who I believed was just out of my reach, and I wanted the challenge of staying the course with such a complicated and fascinating person. I wanted to force myself to be better so I deserved Lou… And, it felt so good to remember that.
When Sam and I parted ways that day, he seemed better. He gave me a long hug and thanked me for helping him process his thoughts. I have this very vivid memory of feeling like I had finally turned the corner in my mind where Sam was just my friend, and Lou was the one who had my heart. It felt good to be sorted — I was finally standing on solid footing, and that was all I wanted back then.
I just wanted something to feel stable… And real.
Several hours later, Lou and I were in the car. We had just left a restaurant after a lovely meal (that I mostly ate), and we were heading home. It was a dark wintery night, and Lou was pulling into traffic on a very busy road.
Then.
In the blink of an eye…
All of those good feelings I had for my husband instantly disappeared.
I’m not sure what exactly happened. But I think Lou must’ve cut someone off, or merged too slowly into the flow of traffic? All I do know is that in a matter of seconds, a full-on road rage incident ensued.
The person driving the car next to ours started honking and shouting at Lou. Then the driver aggressively maneuvered his car as if he was going to smash into the side of our truck. What that motorist didn’t realize is that he was messing with the wrong guy! Lou was ready to unload years of pent-up rage onto anyone who challenged him, and suddenly, it was game on.
The incident probably lasted a total of three minutes. But for me, the fear, the adrenaline, and the terror it incited inside of my being lingered there for months. And Lou’s rage-filled reaction to my unbridled fears erased everything good inside of me in a flash.
It felt like Lou took the kill shot that night.
I had opened up my heart so wide earlier that day when I was remembering Lou as “my moon” again. My being was exposed, and I had set aside any and all protection my heart had been using to keep myself from feeling the fears that I perceived in my reality. I had rallied all the love and belief I had in my heart to believe that Lou and I were going to be better, and suddenly… It all blew up in my face. I literally let my body slide out of the passenger seat, and I tried to curl up into a ball on the floorboard of our car.
