Sam and I were scheduled to meet up again that same afternoon, after Vanessa and I planed my mini-escape to England.
The goal of our meetings was to accomplish what we never did during our previous session: review the remaining scripts.
But the past 24-hours had wiped me out, and I remember that I felt like a mere shadow of myself. But I decided to meet up with Sam anyway. We were supposed to meet in my dirty coffee shop again, and for some reason, it was packed that day. When I got to the coffee shop, I nearly texted Sam to cancel our meeting. But I couldn’t cancel. I knew I needed to see face things with him…
I arrived on time — like I always did — but I didn’t bring my computer. It was too heavy to carry, and I didn’t have the ability to write, think, or be anything that day anyway. The high top tables where I usually sat were all taken, so I found a spot at one of the community tables. I hated to work at the community tables because all of the winter hippies were so distracting; but that day, I didn’t really mind being distracted. I wanted to get lost in someone else’s words and ideas while I waited for Sam.
The two female winter hippies at my table were memorably attractive. They both looked like they might be dance students, and one of them had on elegant leg warmers that weren’t un-cool. The leg warmer girl was talking about how easy it is to be vegan these days. There are so many “great recipes” out there now, she claimed.
The other girl agreed, and started telling the leg warmer girl about this great recipe for “fake-on” that tasted just like real applewood smoked bacon! All you needed was a good dehydrator, mango strips, and a little blackstrap molasses.
(Seriously? Just like real bacon? Come on…)
As soon as Sam arrived, the “fake-on” girls disappeared from my awareness, and I suddenly realized that I should’ve canceled. Seeing him was too much for me that day. But Sam was all smiles, and when he gave me a quick hug hello, I felt frightened.
Mercifully, I ended up with a few minutes to find some composure while Sam ordered a chai latte and a vegan pinwheel. (Ew.) But when he sat down across the table from me, he suddenly took notice of how gone I was. I remember he reached his hand out to touch mine, and I jumped like he just electrocuted me. Sam startled at my reaction, and quickly pulled his hand away.
Before he could say anything, I started crying. Not ugly crying or anything — but tears were at the ready in my eyes as soon as I looked at Sam. I told him that I needed to go away for a while. I couldn’t figure out who I was anymore, and I was afraid my marriage was too far gone to save. And, I told Sam that being around him scared me too much. We had invited each other into parts of our lives that needed to remain off limits.
I had to protect myself from what I started in the writing, and now that we were done, we had to part ways. I couldn’t take a chance that I would accidentally let him in any further than I already had, only to regret it — for the both us. And, I remember that I told Sam if my marriage wasn’t going to work, it had to be clear to me why… And, I couldn’t let anyone but Lou or me undo “us” if that was our future.
At first, Sam looked completely bewildered by my words.
I think I came at him with so much emotion and confusion — and maybe he was even blindsided by how complicated my feelings were when it came to him. But I think he knew what I meant. I had openly admitted to him in the past that I knew my feelings were inappropriate, and Sam had told me that my marriage was often on his mind, too.
He’d said the one thing he never wanted to be was a cheater, but at times, we both knew we were walking too close to that line. I think he might have asked me a few follow-up questions after my little speech — because I remember us talking for a little while — but I can’t remember anything about the content of the rest of our conversation.
I just remember being so afraid of myself — like I was a dangerous live wire on the ground that might hurt someone if they touched me.
That bizarre exchange was one of the very last times I ever saw Sam. So I’m haunted by the way his face looked as he sat across the table from me that day… He looked sad and deeply confused.
When I recall that face-to-face conversation, I honestly feel embarrassed. I had reached the bitter end of my rope by then, and I had insinuated so much into my connection with Sam that might not have even been in the mix for him at all. But I know I wasn’t totally off because I remember Sam telling me how much he was going to miss me. He said I’d become one of his best friends.
I realized after he said that to me that I was going to miss Sam, too, but I wasn’t sure why. I guess I considered him to be my friend, and I felt like I owed him so much for helping me figure out how to write the scripts for the series… But my thoughts were too convoluted for me to trust them anymore.
Everything inside of me was stuck and cold, and my heart felt like it was honestly broken that day.
By the time we parted ways, I felt safer and more certain about my decision to get away from every part of my life for a while. In fact, I wanted to be gone already; but, I was still in this gutting moment of my cold reality, and, I realized it was time to say goodbye to Sam.
I remember placing my hand on Sam’s chest. It was the only gesture I could come up with to silently tell him I was sorry if I hurt him or used him in any way…
