Vanessa and I took the train from London to her hometown of Shrewsbury — which is in Shropshire, England — the day after we saw the play.
The week we were traveling was the very first week that the train station in Shrewsbury was finally open — which felt like an unbelievable gift! It saved us at least two hours in our journey, and it was one of the many things that made our trip seem so miraculously ordered. Vanessa got us first class seats on the train, and we rode to Shrewsbury on a thin layer of pins and needles under us because her oldest son had texted that labor had begun!
I was so happy for Vanessa, and she was positively glowing because she was so excited about the new baby. I loved being in all of that joy with her; it was this beautiful way to occupy my thoughts with something hopeful, beautiful, and deeply personal in my friend’s life.
During the train ride, I got up to use to the washroom, and I spotted this sign on the inside of the toilet lid that made me laugh. But strangely, it also made me think. It said:
“Please don’t flush Nappies, sanitary towels, paper towels, gum, old phones, unpaid bills, junk mail, your ex’s sweater, hopes, dreams or goldfish down this toilet.”
It all seemed like such good advice — especially the part about flushing hopes and dreams down the toilet. I took a picture of the sign because I wanted to remember it. I wanted to keep my emotions in perspective with that perfect balance of honest humor mixed with some sage advice that can protect both the plumbing and probably your heart, too.
But honestly… Nothing that happened to me on my trip to England was lost on me. I was a thirsty sponge, looking to soak up wisdom and clarity to find my way back to myself. Who knew I’d find something useful — or that I’d actually want to “soak up” — on a toilet sign in the bathroom on a train bound for Shrewsbury? (Ew.)
When we finally arrived at our destination, everything continued to be perfect. We had only just settled in at Vanessa’s sister, Gina’s, gorgeous home when Vanessa got a text from her son that the baby was here! I remember how stunned we were that the baby had arrived not before, but just after we arrived! We’d even had time to enjoy a cup of tea and chocolate biscuits with Gina!
I remember when she got the text that Vanessa was absolutely giddy. It was the moment she’d been dreaming about for months. Her first baby had a baby of his own now! Within minutes of the text, Vanessa and her sister left for the hospital.
A tiny miracle wrapped in a blue blanket was waiting there to meet his amazing Nanny Nessa…
After Vanessa left, I went up to my bedroom in Gina’s beautiful home. The bed was dressed with gorgeous linens that smelled amazing, and everything in the room was calm and quiet. I stretched out on the bed, and I spent some time thanking God for how perfectly He always works things out. I thanked Him for showing up for me in the tiny miracles on this trip, but I also remember praying for forgiveness for not noticing the miracles He orchestrated in my life all the time.
I was so broken and raw by this time that even a whisper from God could draw a draft over me that made me notice Him.
I realized how much I had been missing my connection to God the way I was experiencing it in that moment. There is a certain loneliness that contains my deeper sense of God’s presence in my life. When I can find total stillness, and the world stops spinning it’s details all around me, I can find my peace, and there, I always find God.
I fell into a very blissful sleep in the middle of my prayers. It was the most restful nap I can remember having during The Imposition Tour. When I woke up an hour later, another tiny miracle happened that completely melted my heart. My phone alerted me that an email had arrived.
To my utter surprise, it was from Lou.
Lou never writes emails to me; he communicates with spoken words, not written ones. So when I opened the email, I was moved by how much Lou wrote.
As I began to read the letter, it was the way Lou used his words that impacted me the most. It was the most beautifully written email. It was raw, honest, and sincere, and I knew how difficult it must have been for Lou to write it. There was nothing but truthful words about how he felt about my absence, and how he felt about our marriage leading up to my departure. It was a pure expression of Lou’s honest heart, and even when I think about that email now, it makes me tear up.
Lou’s words were laced with surrender — which felt freeing to me. He wasn’t trying to win me back with his note. He was just showing up as honest Lou. That email was the most amazing gesture of love my husband has maybe ever expressed to me. In his words, I was reminded of the man I fell in love with all those years ago. I could see him… And, I felt like I could find him again for the first time in a very long while.
Once I finished reading Lou’s letter, I allowed myself to stay still so I could feel my spirit floating outside of me for a little while. I knew the email from Lou didn’t fix me. I still needed more time to think and to be on my own. But after reading it, I felt how enormous my love for Lou was…
