The thought of going back to Utah after my time in England with Vanessa gutted me.
The idea that “home” was that terrible condo in Sugarhouse was so depressing. I wasn’t ready to face the life I had waiting for me in Utah; in my mind, my life there remained an ugly mixture of grays and blacks that made me feel sooty and lost.
But I had no choice but to face the mess I had made, and to start working toward finding myself in my reality. I had already tried finding myself in my fiction with disastrous results; and, I knew without even testing it that avoidance wouldn’t be the path to anything useful in my life either.
So courage was my only option.
When Lou picked me up from the airport, I remember being so nervous to see him. Every minute we spent apart seemed important to me. When I left, I was on a mission to find myself, and I was determined to force clarity into my mind. But what I’ve discovered is that you can’t force a true and honest change in yourself to happen in your own timing, or for the sake of someone else. You have to wait for it. You have to personally face all of the darkness, and then wait for the Light to find you in moments that don’t yet belong to you.
So when I got back, I think I was still waiting for this allusive understanding to drop into my awareness that would show me how to feel, how to be, and, to show me who I really was again.
But when Lou wrapped me up in his arms for the first time, I felt myself crumble inside. I wanted to be fixed. For him. And, for myself. I wanted to make myself right inside, and I wanted Lou to have the wife he deserved. But I was still very lost. And, I still felt vacant.
I could feel Lou tremble when he breathed in, and it terrified me to know how much I hurt him when I lost my mind with Sam. I knew I loved Lou so much. His pain was my pain, too… Only my version of the same pain was mostly self-inflicted. I knew in my heart that I wanted to make things right for both of us, but I didn’t know how yet. I still felt off inside.
