An hour before my meeting with Lana, Lou pulled up in front of Lana and Ira’s offices in Beverly Hills.
Before I got out of the car, he gathered me into his arms, and said a prayer in my ear. Then my sweet husband kissed me, told me he was proud of me, and said:
“Go do this, Baby.”
I was wearing my nicest pair of high-heeled shoes, a brand new blouse I bought at Nordstrom’s Rack, and a pair of faux leather pencil jeans I’ve owned for ages. I honestly believe that Hollywood has some kind of insecurity molecule floating around in the air that fills your lungs with a fearful awareness that you aren’t perfect — and, therefore not good enough to belong.
I could actually feel my lungs expanding with this kind of anxiety as I walked up the front steps, and I saw my reflection in the glass doors. I looked old, and I was still way too skinny (think Skeletor, not Barbie.) But when I grabbed the handle of one of the doors, I decided not to care about any of that anymore. I decided to exhale hard and take a step forward because I was already there.
Roy greeted me in a small coffee shop in the courtyard of the huge office building that was mostly filled with movie and television executives. He was such a friendly sight! He was smiling and looked so fresh and beautiful.
It was clear that Roy didn’t get caught up in the fears that started to entangle me. He was easy and kind, and as we sat under a large tree in the open courtyard, he pulled me into his safe and calm energy. He told me that Lana was making room for me in her day and that she told him she was excited to meet me. Roy told me he knew I had nothing to worry about. I just needed to show up, and talk to Lana the way I always talked to him: honestly.
Two hours later, Roy and I were in the hallway outside of Lana’s office. Roy lightly took my arm and guided me around a corner, and down a long hallway toward a bank of elevators. When the elevator doors opened, and we both stepped inside, I could tell Roy was nearing the end of his composure. As soon as the doors slid shut, he turned to face me, and a huge smile spread across his face.
Roy started laughing, and then he said, “You killed it!”
I leaned in to hug Roy. I remember feeling such a sense of relief, but the relief was also padded with a giddy feeling I wasn’t sure I could trust. But when I looked up at Roy and saw how genuinely happy he was, I decided to let myself believe.
The next day, I was back at our hotel in Laguna Beach. Lou and I were packing up our things and preparing to go to Newport Beach for an important dinner with his potential new boss. We would be staying the night in Newport, and then the following day, I would be flying back to Salt Lake City on my own.
I still hadn’t fully figured out what the net result of my meeting with Lana was, but Roy assured me that things would start to happen much faster now. He was planning to see Lana on his own to find out what she wanted to do next, but she had already assured him that she was very interested in making Hurricane Season happen.
I had just finished packing my suitcase when I realized that I had missed a call and a text from Roy! The text simply said, “Call me.” So I called Roy back immediately. He was so excited when he answered, and he said that Ira met with Lana, and he was going to review my scripts! Roy explained that this was a really big deal. Ira had a lot of projects in development at the time, but because of his relationship with Roy, and because Lana had already vetted and endorsed the project, things were finally getting very real.
Oh my gosh!
But now we had to do things officially. Up until this point in time, I was not actually represented by Roy – something that Sam pointed out often and specifically. But Roy was more of a mentor and project scout in his capacity with me, but now that things were taking this kind of turn, I would need to sign some paperwork that would give Ira and his production company legal attachments to my scripts.
The document that I needed to sign was called a “material release form,” and it would give Ira a few exclusives in his vetting process, and, it would protect the project from getting out into the open without proper representation. Roy told me that Ira’s personal assistant would be contacting me and Sam to get our signatures and that we needed to move quickly.
I remember feeling overwhelmed by this news! It was finally happening! Within ten minutes of my call with Roy, I got an email from Ira’s assistant with the paperwork I’d need to sign. Lou was nearly as giddy as me, and so after we loaded up the car, we found a copy shop so I could print and fill out the forms, have them scanned, and turned around to Ira’s office within the hour. For the rest of the day, Lou and I seemed to be savoring this positive step together.
It felt like such a breakthrough!
But five hours later, I was just getting ready to meet Lou’s new potential boss, and Roy texted me that he needed to talk to me ASAP. So I called him right away. He said that his team wasn’t able to get a hold of Sam. To protect the project, I needed to have Sam sign a material release form, too, because I had told Roy that Sam consulted me on my writing process. Roy’s team called, texted, and emailed, but Sam was unresponsive. Roy sounded only slightly frustrated, but I could tell that even this minor delay in getting the paperwork sorted wasn’t good.
I had already asked Roy if it was possible for him to deal with Sam directly so that I wouldn’t have to engage with him. It just felt like there was still so much friction between me and Lou whenever Sam’s name came up, and I didn’t want to sully or complicate things any further if I could help it. But Roy was basically asking me to see if Sam would respond to me. Ira’s assistant told Roy that Ira was leaving on a long flight, and she hoped to slip my pilot onto the top of his pile of scripts that he needed to read, but unless Sam signed the release immediately, she might miss her chance to do Roy a solid.
I remember feeling awful inside.
I wanted to call Sam, but I didn’t want Sam to be such a specific part of my day that day. I felt so happy that I had this moment to savor something good in my life with Lou and Lou alone. But this need to have Sam’s signature, and the timing issue at play made me feel like Sam was always going to be this “problem” I was going to have to deal with in my marriage and in my career. I felt positively horrible.
Every possible feeling of guilt and worry I’d ever struggled with during my time on my own dumped over me when I hung up from Roy. I felt like my last two remaining fears were coming true: I’d ruined everything for myself by involving Sam. And, I knew I was a totally selfish person because I still needed Sam even though I didn’t want him in my life anymore. I felt like I couldn’t give Sam what he deserved for helping me figure out how to write the series without ruining my connection to my husband.
So I was in a no win situation.
And, I felt so ashamed…
Lou overheard my call with Roy, and so he knew I was going to have to reach out to Sam. He didn’t say much, but when it came to Sam, Lou’s silence was always loaded. But I called Sam right away, and of course, my call went into his voicemail. So I texted him, and then I emailed him…
By the time Lou and I were leaving for dinner, Sam still hadn’t responded, and very suddenly…
