I was really good at loading up the back of an SUV by this time in my life.
I already knew the best way to place our things in the flat part of the truck for easy access. And after discovering these awesome “space bags” to hold all of our extra clothes and soft stuff, I was able to fit our whole world into the car in neat and very practical layers.
Everything about our departure from Salt Lake City felt certain and right to me, even though we still had so many questions about what was next for us. I just knew my time in Utah was up, and I couldn’t wait to start driving away from a town that represented so much confusion for me.
Even if it meant we were back to living out of our car.
But on our very last night in town, we stayed in Henry and Jackie’s basement apartment one last time. A bittersweet feeling surrounded me as soon as I went to bed that night. In that home, I had grown so close to one of the most important friends I’ll probably ever have; but the days and nights I spent in that space were also some of the darkest times of my life. So I remember having mixed emotions and feelings as I slipped under the covers and took my place next to Lou for my final night in Salt Lake City.
There had been nights when I cried myself to sleep in that guest bed. But there were other evenings when I dreamed out loud with Jackie at her kitchen table as our friendship bloomed into something lasting and beautiful. I recalled fond memories of sharing my one and only cookie recipe with Jackie’s daughters — which made me feel so special. But there were also palpable memories of times when I had to fumble around with our messy sheets to try to clean them without getting in Jackie’s way, or drawing more attention to Lou’s situation.
The combination of highs and lows in my memories seemed to swirl around me as I tried to make peace with my past so I could move forward into my very uncertain future. Clearly, I had lived through a complicated season of my life in that basement apartment. Just the waiting on the funding for Henry and Lou’s company alone was overwhelming enough, but then all of the other things that happened while I lived there made my basement feelings so dark and oppressive.
Truth be told, while I lived there, I felt like any spirit of hope I had during that time of my life either almost killed me, or tried to die inside of me while I was sleeping in that bed — but Jackie kept me alive by never losing track of me.
Before we arrived at her house, I knew it was going to be so difficult to say goodbye to Jackie and the girls…
So we didn’t say it with words. We just spent time together like we always did. Easy, lovely time… And then when Jackie hugged me before I went downstairs for the night, she simply said:
