I’ve noticed that some of the most insignificant things can reveal the most profound truths in my life.
Take for example how I knew I was never going to end up with the long-term boyfriend I had right after college. Just before the end of our two-year-relationship, I bought myself a juicer. Soon after, this boyfriend was over at my little apartment, and I made us both a super healthy juice tonic made with carrots, celery, apples, and a whole lemon (rind and all). I poured the tonic into two little wine glasses just to be extra fancy, and I clearly remember how much he said he loved it.
Then, as I was standing in front of my kitchen sink, scrubbing and cleaning all of the annoyingly intricate parts of the juicer, my boyfriend added, “I think I’ll get this same juicer — where did you say you got it again?”
Instantly, in that one statement, I realized that this guy didn’t see a future with me.
Because if he did, why in the world would he need his own juicer? The girl he was dating was a package deal, and so if he had me in his life, he’d also have a juicer! Looking back, there were about 50 different signs that my relationship with this guy was doomed — including all of the signs that he was cheating on me, and all of the other ways everyone but me could see this dude was a world-class jerk — but it was the juicer incident that finally got me.
So I guess it shouldn’t be a surprise that another seemingly insignificant happening in my life during the newest leg of The Imposition Tour exposed something really useful to me, too. But this time, my revelatory “ah-ha moment” came in the form of a wedge of cake on my 45th birthday.
Before we could move into my friend’s AirB&B rental for a steady stretch of time, Lou and I were doing some “bed-hopping” and hefty imposing on some of our closest friends in Sonoma. There was this one super great friend from our Bible study who traveled a lot, and so she welcomed us to stay in her guest room for little stretches of time — which was so incredibly comforting and kind of her. This friend was also such a big supporter of ours, and so she never let us get too gloomy about our latest business failure.
This friend has such a beautiful heart…
Anyway. About a month after we started staying at her place on-and-off, this friend realized I had a birthday coming up, and so she decided to organize a surprise party for me! It was such a sweet party, and this friend went out of her way to include everyone I knew at the time. She even got me a cake — it was a gourmet carrot cake complete with candles and a big reveal! But as she was serving me the honorary first slice, my friend asked me:
“Is carrot cake really your favorite cake?”
I thought about her question as I was savoring my first bite. Then I said:
“No. A chocolate-peanut butter cake would be my favorite, but I do like carrot cake.”
Then I added:
“Carrot cake is one of Lou’s favorites, though.”
All of my friends who were sitting around me with their own wedges of carrot cake all started laughing when I said that last part and the friend who was throwing the party for me was laughing the loudest! I looked over at Lou and he seemed totally baffled, and he immediately said:
“If carrot cake isn’t your favorite, why do you order it all the time if we’re going to split a dessert?”
“Because,” I immediately defended, “I know you like carrot cake, and I really don’t mind it! I like it — it’s just not my favorite.”
I remember how I felt when all of this went down. I don’t really like being the center of attention in the first place, and so surprise parties have always made me feel a little overwhelmed. But as I put another taste of that carrot cake into my mouth, I remember feeling so embarrassed. And, I could suddenly taste this odd compromise mixed into the flavor of the cake. I felt sad that I inadvertently made Lou look bad in front of all these friends, but I also felt really awkward about how difficult it was for me to wear my honesty about my favorite dessert with my own husband, with all of my valued friends, and…with myself.
Everyone who was at that surprise party still remembers that funny exchange, and for the past several birthdays since, at least one of my friends ends up getting me a gourmet chocolate-peanut butter cake! It’s funny to me now, but on that day, it was like an unwanted gift that was covered in a lot of layers that I needed to unwrap.
I think the kind of experiences I’ve chronicled in this memoir has made me a stronger and more evolved person, no doubt. And I think some of the ways I’ve changed as a person has made me “a better version” of myself. And despite all of the horrible things that have happened to Lou and me as individuals, as well as a married couple, for the most part, we’ve come out on the other side of things mostly unscathed.
But I worry sometimes that I still hide behind what I think Lou wants, and then I tell myself whatever Lou wants is what I want, too.
Sheesh… You have no idea how difficult it was for me to write that sentence because I can’t control how you’ll read it, and, I also can’t control what it means to me!! I think I’m still punishing myself for what nearly happened with Sam, however, I also believe that there are countless examples of “carrot cake” moments in my marriage starting from day one.
But I guess what I hope you can understand is that all of those moments are on me — not on Lou. I have always been the one who feels more comfortable if I bend or give, and having a strong opinion or point of view on something doesn’t always feel like the right thing to do. I guess that’s why this carrot cake situation was so stunningly poignant to me.
For the record, I do enjoy carrot cake — as does Lou — but it’s not the only cake we’d both enjoy, and, Lou has never asked me to be so Lou-centered that I cease “being me” in order to create a better “us.” Lou is very strong, and he’s alpha about most things in our lives, but he’s never demanded that I give up or give in on things — not specifically anyway.
But when you teach someone that you are always willing to be the one to bend, and you give that person years and years of evidence that you’re actually happy to yield your opinion in favor of keeping the status quo, well…then you end up duping the one you love — as well as yourself — into a life with layers and layers of tainted honesty. And to put it another way…
