By the time I reached the hotel room that my sister and friend, Leslie, reserved for me, my automatic pilot was fully engaged, and despite
All of my systems were completely jammed up, and I felt nauseous. My skin was tingly and achy, and I felt as if I’d taken a few hits of speed or something (even though I didn’t!) I just remember stumbling into the reception area of the Marriott at around 2:00 a.m. and the drowsy night clerk at the front desk told me that my “two sisters” had been calling a lot because they were very worried about me.
It’s really nice to be so loved.
The room was clean and quiet, but even the lovely feel of bleached cotton sheets stretched tightly across a firm mattress couldn’t coax the exhaustion out of me. I remember that I tossed and turned for a few hours in a restless attempt to give myself a break, but I was so worried about Lou, and, about turning in the rental car on time. Mathematically, I knew I had enough time to stay the night with our distributor friends in Knoxville — Brice and Debbie — but the worst case scenarios were always bogging me down.
By my estimates, I had no margin for error; and the competitive side of my personality was determined to beat the deadline. I wanted to turn the SUV into the agency with hours to spare — just so I’d feel less guilty about the whole situation.
A good hot shower, and a cup of strong black coffee at daybreak did help, though. I’m mostly a morning person; I like the way the sun looks at first light, and how it brightens with hope as it pushes away from the horizon. Even though all of the things I was worried about the night before were still pressing in on all sides, I felt a surge of strength in my body that I knew could at least carry me to Knoxville.
I had a good long chat with God during the first hour of my drive. It felt like ages since I’d been completely alone with my thoughts and prayers. Everything about the past several weeks of my life had been intense — including the togetherness I was sharing with my husband. But once I sensed he might be up, I called Lou. He said he was doing fine, however, I could tell he’d had a bad night.
He said the blood clots were about the same, and that it was not easy to empty the catheter bag on his own. He said he made a pretty big mess in the bathroom when he was trying to flush out a few clots that were stuck inside the catheter tubing — which made my heart sink. I felt awful for Lou (and for the bathroom floor). But there was nothing I could do to help him.
I couldn’t even make any cleaning suggestions or offer any helpful tips because I fully understood how limited Lou’s range of motion was, and, I didn’t want him to take any chances of injuring himself just so I’d feel better about the bathroom floors. That would be stupid.
So I had to surrender…
When I finally pulled into the driveway of Brice and Debbie’s stunning Knoxville home, I rallied hard to put on my “best guest persona.” I never realized how much effort it takes for me to meet new people until I was deep into the throws of The Imposition Tour. Prior to being a homeless vagabond with a bleeding husband, I struggled with the effort of meeting new people on my own, but at this point, it wasn’t an option for me to “struggle” over such silly things.
When Lou and I took the Meyers-Briggs Type Indicator test before we got married, I tested off the charts as an introvert, while Lou hit every marker and quality of an extrovert. So typically, in the past, I’ve let Lou take the lead when it comes to interacting with new people and making them our friends. He’s the real charmer. Please don’t misunderstand me: I’ve always enjoyed meeting new people, but it just takes me a lot longer than Lou to warm up — and I never used to take the lead. Ever. That was Lou’s job.
But Lou wasn’t with me.
So I needed to dig deep to find a way to snap out of my zombie survival mode and channel some hidden extrovert qualities that I never usually employed. I started my mental shift by thinking about my hosts. Suddenly, my heart was filled with gratitude for these two incredible people — who had only ever met my husband on the phone. They were not only offering me a place to stay, but they were also completely invested in helping us build our wrinkle cream business.
