Dona and I needed to keep busy the day Lou left for his surgery.
Neither one of us felt good about Lou being on his own, and getting the news that Lou had landed in Minneapolis, and was in a cab on the way to the medical center, didn’t seem to help all that much.
It just didn’t make sense for Lou to be alone. But he was, and there was nothing we could do to change that. So, we decided to get out of the house and enjoy a nice lunch. It was better than sitting around the house, fretting all day.
Dona and I were just ordering our meals at this outdoor Italian place when I got a call from Lou. As soon as I answered, Lou was quick to speak, and he sounded panicked. My heart immediately started banging in my chest, and there was an instant onset of worry that fogged up my brain and made it difficult for me to hear.
Lou: They won’t operate without someone here with me.
What?
Me: OK… Well. What can we do?
Lou: I guess you’re going to have to come up.
Me: Right now? Isn’t your surgery scheduled for an hour from now?
Lou: We can’t reschedule the surgery, so if you can’t make it here by tonight, I can just stay one night in the hospital. But you’ll need to get here early in the morning so I don’t have to stay in the hospital more than one night.
Lou sounded angry — which I’m sure he was. But anger and fear can appear like twin emotions that confuse me sometimes, and it was difficult for me to figure out how to respond to all of this information.
Part of me wanted to say, “I told you so,” but the bigger part of me — that was always so scared of what was happening to Lou — just wanted to find a way to teleport my body to Minneapolis so Lou would be OK. Unfortunately, teleporting was not an option (darn), and my mind was too fragile to think (double darn). So I handed the phone to Dona.
She would know what to do.
I believe that Dona had a greater ability to keep her brother on track than I did at that time. I was a terrible life preserver for him that day because very suddenly, I was just barely keeping my own head above water.
After checking flights and running scenarios of every kind, Dona found the only flight that would work. It would be leaving at 6:00 a.m. the next morning, and it was a non-stop. I spoke to Lou’s new indigent caseworker about the plans, and she noted my flight number and arrival time in her files. Then she said that Lou would be able to stay the night in the hospital post-surgery, and, she would make sure to put a request in his records for the doctor to call me right after the surgery with an update.
It was the best we could do.
I think I can safely say that Dona and I both spent the rest of the day on pins and needles. I spoke to Lou one more time before he had to turn off his phone to start the pre-op routine. He was edgy and irritable, and I remember feeling frustrated that I couldn’t find him with some tender words before he went into surgery. But, I had to let it go and find that grace in my heart that told me Lou and I would be OK.
Dona and I only had a very vague idea of exactly when Lou’s surgery would start, and so there was this nebulous sensation of worry all around us that day. I felt jumpy and emotional, but I kept my head down and trusted that Lou was in good hands.
Finally, at 10:00 p.m. that night, the doctor called me with an update on Lou. I was in the guest room, packing a little suitcase for my trip up to Minneapolis the next morning, and I remember my hands were shaking so badly when I answered the phone.
The doctor apologized for calling so late, but he’d had several surgeries that day, and Lou’s had been delayed due to a few factors. First off, the situation of not having a family member at the ready had changed things up — and the doctor was glad to hear I was scheduled to arrive early the next morning. But the other delay was due to the fact that Lou refused the procedure that was scheduled.
What?
The doctor went on to explain that just prior to going in for the surgery, he was going over the specifics of the procedure with Lou again, and he was also recapping some of the possible side effects. There was a significant chance that this procedure could leave Lou with some pretty horrible realities including incontinence and impotence.
The doctor said that Lou’s situation was highly unusual in that there was such a thick layer of benign vascular tissue, and so he couldn’t give Lou a very solid prognosis on the realities of these side effects until he was done with the surgery. So Lou declined the procedure, and the doctor and his team merely went in and cauterized the top few layers of the vascular tissue in attempt to significantly reduce the size of Lou’s prostate.
The doctor told me that he merely “hoped” this would stave off the issues Lou was experiencing.
The doctor then went on to tell me that realistically, he felt like Lou needed to have the original surgery he had scheduled — which would remove about 35% of his prostate, and “hopefully” have minimal side issues. But Lou told the doctor in no uncertain terms that if there was no cancer in his prostate, he was not willing to take that approach.
As I listened to the doctor, I could hear the concern in his voice for Lou’s future health, but there was also a clear understanding in his words that he didn’t blame Lou for his decision. The doctor concluded his call with me by telling me that Lou’s recovery might take longer than originally suggested because cauterizing is pretty traumatizing, and so he expected that Lou would need to stay in the hospital for more than a day or two.
The doctor handed off the call to a nurse who gave me an update on Lou. At that moment, he was resting comfortably. He had come out of the anesthesia well, but he was asking for me. She said that his phone and other belongings were being set up in Lou’s post-op room, and she was sure he could call me if he was still awake. But it was so late that she thought he might just sleep through the night.
At least I could finally exhale.
When I came downstairs to give Dona the update, she made me a cup of hot water with lemon. We both tried to piece together how things must’ve gone down that day for Lou. On top of being alone, he was facing some pretty scary information, and he was making big decisions about his health and his future all by himself.
I remember fighting off my urge to be angry with Lou for excluding me from all of these choices, but the truth is even if I were there, I know Lou. He would’ve questioned the surgery and made the same choice. But I still wish I could’ve been there…
I added a few more things to my suitcase before I went to bed. I set my alarm clock for 4:00 a.m. I was so tired. But the kind of weariness I was experiencing couldn’t be chased away by sleep.
