You may be wondering how I can remember things about my life so specifically.
Well, I wrote a lot during The Imposition Tour.
Sometimes, I’d journal about the things that were happening to us, and other times, I’d send a long email recap to my sister or one of my closest friends. I didn’t realize at the time that I would be turning these memories into a memoir — even though it was often suggested!
But before I started adapting the content you’re reading now, I combed through pages and pages of journal notes in my computer, and, I did a search of my sent emails on my trusty laptop. Some of the subject lines revealed exactly where my head was at when I wrote the emails:
RE: Bloody Schmeckle Report
RE: Aai Papi — Who’s Your Daddy??
RE: Greetings from the end of my rope…
I wrote about so much more than I’m choosing to share with you in this blog. I have to pick and choose the details and decide how much I should share without totally betraying the girl I used to be. But reading my account of things in my own very raw and vulnerable words in my journal makes my heart hurt sometimes.
I can still feel the prick of my emotions from back then, and, I can precisely remember how lost and bewildered my circumstances left me at times.
Most of my journal entries from this period read like sermon notes from hell. I’d spell out exactly how dark I felt about something, but then… I’d find a way to pull my faith through a secret wormhole I somehow discovered in the darkness. Nothing was ever a simple or basic truth about who God is; rather, my faith was stretched to a point where God morphed into who I needed Him to be to save me from my greatest fears.
As I’ve said several times, my life is still not very “figured out,” but things aren’t nearly as bad as they used to be. I’m getting closer to figuring out who I am and how this person I’ve become is meant to contribute to the world. And, that feels good.
But I’m always in the fight, writing sermons to myself in my private journal as well as in my other blog entries. And, I’m doing my best to see God differently so I can take the big leaps of faith that are required to live the kind of life He’s given me. I see myself as a combination of the girl who wrote those gutting journal entries, and the woman who knows that life never stalls out in one place for very long when you’re striving your heart out for more. Right now, I may not know exactly where I’m going next…
