Even the warm mineral waters of Two Bunch Palms couldn’t melt the frigid feelings that built up inside of me for Lou.
I’m sure most of the hate had left me by then. Fear and hate are also twins of the same emotion for me, but I knew that I could never hate my husband. But I also knew I didn’t want to be with him anymore if this is who we had become.
The healing waters at Two Bunch are pretty amazing, and the huge grotto has a very hot section, and one that is like the perfect bathwater temperature. I spent most of my time clinging to two swim noodles in the hot section, begging the water to thaw my being. I could hardly keep my very old, very worn out bathing suit on because the elastic was shot, and, because I’d lost so much weight. But…I just didn’t care about anything at all any more.
I was completely gone in every way.
At one point, while I was soaking, a man I spotted talking to Lou over in the less hot section of the grotto swam over to me. He smiled at me, and then said, “Your husband just told me you’ve written a pilot for an original series.”
I smiled at the man. He seemed nice enough, but I was so lost in my nothingness. So I only managed to pull up two words: “I did.”
The man went on to tell me he was a talent agent in LA, and he represented two different writers who were head writers for two major series currently running on HBO. He also mentioned that his daughter was interning at HBO, and he was highly connected to the decision-makers there. Based on what Lou told him about my pilot, he was seriously intrigued. I remember that this guy was so curious and eager to talk to me – which isn’t how things usually go for me.
But I didn’t have anything to say to him; so all I could muster was, “Oh, that’s interesting.”
The guy was pretty persistent, though. He kept trying to find out more about my series, and more about me. But I had nothing in me that day. So I finally asked him if I could talk to him later — maybe outside of the grotto? I remember how surprised he looked when I said that.
People like me must not turn him down all that much, but I couldn’t help it. For the first time in my life, I had no words inside of me. But the guy actually seemed even more smitten by the fact that I was blowing him off! Finally, after I closed my eyes, and pushed off of the wall so I could create some distance, he agreed to “track me down” later. When I was alone again, I dipped my head under the water so my tears would wash away without anyone noticing. Everything inside of me felt dead that day.
