The time between my decision to leave for England and my departure went by so quickly. 

I had a lot of things I needed to do — including wrapping up the scripts, writing the series summary, and sorting out the details of my month away. Jackie was hugely important to this process, and between her and Vanessa, I felt as if I was shored up on all sides during a time when I was nearly unable to function on my own.

Vanessa worked out the roundtrip tickets from JFK to Heathrow and back, and Jackie used some of her frequent flier miles to book my round trip ticket to get me to New York City and back. We booked everything perfectly so I would have time with Vanessa at her home in Greenwich, CT before we left for England, as well as a few extra days with her after our return. 

Everything these two friends did for me was filled with love. Because Jackie could see how depleted and frail I was, all she wanted was for me to find myself on this journey. So she held my hand every step of the way, and she made sure I had everything I’d need to make this trip possible.

Jackie had never met Vanessa, but the two of them seemed to be conspiring somehow to make sure I was completely supported and nurtured. They didn’t have to meet each other to share their love because I was like a conduit that connected them in a common mission to save me from myself. They both knew exactly how to love, encourage, and support me during a time when I felt empty and lost. 

I’m certain that I will spend the rest of my life trying to figure out how to properly thank Jackie and Vanessa for stepping in as God’s guardian angels in my life…

Finishing up the last bit of writing I had to do for the series was all on me, though. I contacted Roy, and I told him that I was going to be gone for a month. I promised to turn in everything — the pilot, the three additional scripts, the series summary, all of my author information, as well as the details about my book sales to date — before I left. 

Roy was excited to get his hands on the content. I recalled Sam’s advice to me about how patient you have to be when selling a series, and I actually felt like leaving the country for a little while was coming at the perfect time to help me manage my emotions about Eloise, too.

But Eloise was still the most confusing part of my life.

I still felt like Eloise needed Sam somehow; and, so finishing the last of the writing on my own filled me with tons insecurities. I was so afraid of failing Eloise — but I was equally afraid that I’d ruined her and everything in me by involving Sam the way I did. 

I was terrified that if I wanted to save my marriage, I’d have to let go of Eloise forever… And that thought nearly crushed me. As real and complete as Eloise was (and is) to me in my mind, I knew she wasn’t just a piece of fiction. Eloise is me. Not simply a shapeshifter, but a real part of my being — and so giving up on her was the same thing as giving up on myself. And the thought of that truly and sincerely devastated me.

So I emailed Sam. 

At first, the emails I sent were about my summary, but in those emails, I often wrote too much. Even though I had said goodbye to Sam in person, when it came to Eloise, I was having so much trouble letting go. I wanted something good to happen for my career, but I still didn’t believe I was good enough on my own. I felt un-tethered and full of fear, and even though Sam never once calmed my fears with anything he ever wrote back, I still believed that I needed him.

On the morning before I was scheduled to leave for New York, Lou got up very early. It wasn’t unusual for Lou to get up well before me, but I think I sensed something might be up with him. An hour or so after Lou got out of bed, it was still dark outside, but Lou was wide awake and filled with anger. 

Lou opened the bedroom door and said in a firm voice, “We need to talk. Right now.”

I remember climbing out of bed, and my limbs were already shaking. I slipped into the bathroom, and I knew Lou was going to ask me about Sam. I waited for the water in the tap to get hot so I could warm my hands before I joined Lou at the dining room table. When I looked at my reflection in the mirror, I honestly felt relieved. I knew I’d been outed, and it felt like my imaginary world was finally about to come to an end. 

When I sat down, Lou had placed my cell phone on the table in front of him. He was clearly angry. But I felt solid.

Lou: Do you have feelings for Sam?

Me: Yes.

Lou: Are you and Sam having an affair?

Me: No.

We sat in total silence for a few moments.

I knew that Lou believed me when I said I wasn’t having an affair, but I also knew he needed (and deserved) to know more. He told me he had read my emails on my phone that morning. He was angry… And hurt.

I didn’t know what to say — there was no way to defend something I knew was wrong. Sorry would never cut it, and I didn’t want to give Lou less than he deserved. So I needed him to guide me to what he wanted to know. So I waited for him to catch up to me emotionally so he could officially put me on trial. 

And he did…

But I never found myself at a loss for words — because finally, my words were honest. 

I knew I deserved his anger, and so I took it — but it was the hurt in his eyes that buckled me the most. I was a horrible person for letting something come between us — so I told Lou the truth. Sam got mixed up in my fiction, and I was losing all sense of reality. I was ashamed of that, but it was simply the truth. 

I also knew that I had set my own trap the instant I sent Sam the emails that Lou read, and I told Lou I knew I deserved every ounce of his anger. But I also needed Lou to at least give me a chance to explain myself — not defend the emails or my confusing feelings for Sam, but rather, just to explain how I got there…

When I saw Sam as Sam, there was no attraction, no emotions… Nothing. But when he was helping me write, I would suddenly get very lost. So the reason I had to go away with Vanessa was because I couldn’t find anything true in me anymore. I couldn’t eat anymore because I didn’t want to feed anything inside of me, and I just didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t want to be in this place in my life, but I was… 

And, I was scared.

I told Lou about how the fight we had in the car in California physically broke something in me, but after the fight blew over, I knew all of the pieces were still within reach. But the second blow up in the car had completely scattered everything inside of me, and I didn’t know how to locate the pieces anymore. I told Lou that I chose to include Vanessa in my search for myself because I knew she loved him, too, and she would help me find us again if that was possible. But I couldn’t do this on my own. I’d already tried, and I was simply too far gone…

Lou and I were maybe the most honest versions of ourselves that we’d ever been during that confrontation. He was deeply hurt, but so was I. I was thankful to be outed by him because Sam held no power inside of me if Lou could see him, and even though I was deeply ashamed and remorseful about how I had used Sam, it was a relief to have everything out in the open. 

But Lou was so hurt, and that part still pains me to this day. I’ve tried for the longest time to forgive myself for how I mistreated Lou’s trust in me, and some days, I feel like I’ve inched closer to forgiveness, while other days, I feel like I’m still a ways off…

I think I can’t find peace yet because I’m honestly trying to figure out which part of my life requires the grace and forgiveness the most. Is it the part of me that betrayed Lou, or the part of me that betrays myself every time I decide to give up on Eloise? My ability to be properly devoted to my husband and to the storyteller in me seems to consistently baffle me, and I’m still searching for an honest and truthful balance in my life.

But on that morning, we managed to crawl back into our terrible bed together, and we held each other for a long time. We both cried about the mess we’d made. It was so much more than just one thing that got us to this place of brokenness. 

It was all of it… 

There were things that we could point to and blame, but the truth is, the layers upon layers of stress in our lives had created deeply packed bedrock issues that we’d been doing our best to plow over while in the midst of surviving. The Imposition Tour had taken us on a dark and relentless journey, and it finally tossed us into a ditch that we couldn’t get out of on our own. 

I had already asked Vanessa to do something huge for me, and when I held Lou close that morning, I knew she’d done it. I asked her to pray for Lou to be patient with me… I knew I couldn’t leave him if I didn’t sense his willingness to let me go so I could find myself. When I rested my head on Lou’s chest, I could hear his heart beating. It was slow and steady, and I knew he would be OK. I knew he wanted to trust in my love for him, and that was all I needed him to do. 

I just needed the both of us to want to trust me again. 

I knew there was still real love between us, and that at least gave me the thimble-full of courage that I knew I needed to find myself again.