One of my favorite “mom jokes” of all times is a text exchange between a girl and her mother that goes like this:
Girl: I got an A on my history test!
Mom: WTF!
Girl: Um…mom what do you think WTF means?
Mom: Wonderful That’s Fantastic!
My own mom passed away before I ever had a cell phone, but I feel pretty sure if the two of us were texting, my mom would’ve done something this adorable and whacky, too, and, I suppose that’s why this joke is my favorite. It reminds me of the fact that when my mom was framing up the details of my life, her spin on things was always uniquely hers, and the way she saw things could somehow turn a negative expression into a positive one just because of her point of view.
I had a really horrible week. Something I’ve been struggling to sort out in my personal life for the past two years was about to be resolved, and the one person I thought I could trust in all of this decided to fire me as her client in the 11th hour. When I got the email letting me know she would no longer represent me after she took one more meeting in a pretty big matter in my life, I honestly felt like shouting, “WTF?!!” from the top of my lungs! And if I’m being totally honest with you, I went to a pretty dark place for a while where I was stewing in my feelings of fear and abandonment, and the “F” word absolutely did not stand for “Fantastic!”
But there was nothing I could do to change the situation. And I don’t even know precisely what I did to make this woman decide I wasn’t worth helping anymore. Things were set in motion and all of the tedious work we did together was about to be presented, and suddenly, there was no longer anyone to help me understand the outcome or unpack the next steps? So I felt dumped and misunderstood, and very angry inside for days leading up to the actual meeting this woman would be attending on my behalf. And the fact is, I wasn’t sure if she was going to feed me to wolves in that meeting, or if she had enough faith in me to at least do her best for me before she officially cut all ties.
Talk about a heady mess…
But eventually, the scheduled meeting time passed, and as the hours of my life started to stack up one-by-one, before I knew it, a whole day had gone by and I was still here. Nothing had changed all that much for me in my daily understanding of my life. And even though there was so much looming in the unknown, and the woman who I trusted with my past and my future offered me nothing but radio silence, I had survived and none of my biggest fears manifested in the ways I was almost certain they would.
Two days after the big meeting took place, a certified package arrived at the door, and inside, there was a pointed letter about how I was no longer allowed to engage with this woman, along with some of the details of what was worked out on my behalf. Notice I didn’t say “clearly explained details,” but at least it was something. And I’ll admit, at first, my fear monsters kind of took over and made me feel crushed all over again. But the vine-covered hills were calling my name, and I knew if I went for a hike and had some time alone, all of this would at least feel different…and maybe, if I was lucky, perhaps I might even start to feel better.
So as I sat in my favorite spot to pray and ponder, I thought about my mom. I miss her all the time, but when something truly frightens me or makes me feel like I’m completely unseen or misunderstood, I catch myself seeking some comfort directly from her. So in my own way, I felt like my heart was texting my mom the news:
Me: Mom… I got some complicated news today.
My Mom: What kind of news?
Me: Scary news. But I think everything is finally over.
My Mom: STFU!
Me: Um Mom…what do you think STFU means?
My Mom: So Thankful For You!
I had to laugh to myself about this imaginary exchange because, in it, my mom was somehow telling me she was thankful for who I am, but she was also telling me that she is thankful on my behalf for the seemingly bad news I couldn’t unpack beyond this moment in my life. And as was often the case when it came to my relationship with my mom, she could always see the bigger picture for me. Even when everything seemed dire or doomed, my mom could always see the goodness and the hope for me. She was just like that, you know?
I’m doing my best to keep my chin up about all of this, and in a lot of ways, I know I’ve turned the corner. I do have a small sense of closure on this matter, and I’ve worked through a lot of my thoughts and feelings so I can let that woman I trusted go in peace. I’ve worked my mind and heart from every angle to find the lessons and the empathy I know will help me move forward differently in my life, and to help me so I don’t get stuck in my past anymore.
I’m still confused about what’s next for me with regard to this hefty matter I still need to address. And every time I look at that stack of paperwork this woman returned in that box she sent certified mail, I have a mix of thoughts and feelings that are pretty much summed up with the letters WTF… But maybe if I keep pressing in and fix my eyes on my faith, the only thing those letters will stand for as this matter works itself out is:
