By the time we got back to Dave and Judy’s house, Lou was totally spent.
In fact, he fell asleep in the car on the drive home — which was a first for him. I remember getting lost trying to find my way to the house in the dark, but it was OK because Lou was resting peacefully for the very first time in days.
Even though the catheter was uncomfortable, it gave Lou some much-needed relief from that terrible urgency symptom. Between all of the tests they ran on Lou that day, he was constantly scrambling out of bed to try to void his bladder. Lou told me the pain in his abdomen from pushing so hard was starting to burn all the time, and it had started to get unbearable. So as long as Lou didn’t move his leg too much, the catheter seemed to resolve a lot of that pain, which was a start. But there were still issues that were not under control…
Namely, Lou was still bleeding.
I’ve always been a resourceful person, and those skills often came in handy on The Imposition Tour. But. Some of my best plans did backfire on me due to amateur mistakes and poor execution on my part. I did learn, however, and I got better with practice, but there was always something I was working out in my mind to make this situation as good as it could be. The current challenge I was trying to unwind was how to contain the bleeding now that Lou had a catheter.
[Side Note: As I’m writing this, I know how much Lou hates every part of this story. Everything I’ve shared with you so far reveals a lot of details that are both embarrassing and awful. But I’m pressing onward because this experience with Lou’s condition totally dominated my thoughts and actions on and off for almost two solid years of my life. When I recall this period in my life, the words “bloody hell” describe it perfectly. But I promise you, I’ll try to keep the details simple and plain to spare you some of the very worst of it.]
The challenge at hand was the diapers.
The new catheter Lou had wouldn’t work with the kind we had.
A super kind nurse gave me one spare diaper that they use with this kind of catheter, but when you’re an indigent patient, the hospital staff is instructed to keep costs down by limiting your use of “superfluous hospital supplies.” (The suit lady told me this detail, and I was so thankful to know it.) So I had to work out a way to modify the diapers I already had to fit around the catheter until I could dash out and buy a better kind.
But after several attempts, I finally came up with a strategy that involved cutting one side of the diaper, and then basically taping it back together with some scotch tape (that I found in Dave and Judy’s basement) once Lou was ready.
The fact that Lou was bleeding so badly was clearly a concern, but true to form, I found myself fretting over the containment of the blood more than anything else. We were staying in someone else’s home, sleeping between their sheets, all while trying to be discreet as possible about all of this drama.
Clearly, this was the worst kind of imposition…
So after Lou showered, and I successfully emptied his catheter bag, I “custom fit” Lou’s diaper with the scotch tape. Even though Lou wore a lot of custom clothing back in our fancy days, this was not something he’d ever brag about — of that I’m sure.
But it was an awful situation, and I was figuring things out as I went. Lou was always so tender and kind to me during horrible moments like these. He thanked me repeatedly, and sometimes, his genuine gratitude nearly broke my heart. I loved my husband so much that there was nothing I wouldn’t do to help him. But I often felt so useless and overwhelmed…
And very, very tired.
But once Lou was situated, we both climbed into the guest bed. I remember trying to carefully spoon Lou to offer him some awkward version of comfort. The catheter was always on my mind, and Lou was still very sore.
And… Lou was so weak.
So I just wanted to cradle away some of his pain if I could. I just needed to hold him. It was a constant fight to keep my fears in check; I couldn’t entertain any thoughts other than the ones that were about surviving. It was devastating to be facing all of this with no clear answers, but we had to stay the course.
We didn’t have the energy to process any of the possibilities that were in the mix, so the fear of the unknown was taking up space in the bed that night, too. Life was hitting us with a heavy hand, but we both finally collapsed under the pressure and drifted off to sleep.
I woke up with a start the next morning when Lou stumbled out of bed with a moan. I remember being disoriented and groggy, but it only took a few seconds for me to realize that I was living a nightmare, not just dreaming one.
Once my focus adjusted, I was horrified. There was blood everywhere. Even on the wall! My custom-fit diaper didn’t hold, and in the middle of the night, Lou started throwing blood clots around his catheter. When I stumbled into the bathroom to help Lou, the look on his face crushed me. He was terrified, and his legs and stomach were totally covered in blood.
It looked like Lou had been stabbed…
My inner superhero was slow to awaken, but eventually, I snapped into action. I got Lou sorted, and he stepped into the shower. Then I mopped up the blood and did my best to assess the damage to the bathroom floor. It was pretty bad, but I just had to believe I could get things clean. There was no time to cry about it.
