Sometimes I really feel like I still need training wheels to keep myself upright and moving forward in my life…
I know I’m kind of a wimpy whiner lately in some of my postings, but I promised myself before I launched this blog that I would never hold back, and that I’d always be honest about the things I’m experiencing and feeling whenever I post. Today I discovered that I made a big mistake when I booked my airline ticket for my upcoming trip to DC for the media conference I’m attending.
I know exactly what happened. I got shiny object syndrome when a cheap flight came up in my search, and I bought a ticket for the wrong day just because it was the one I could afford. But now, so many weeks after the fact, it’s going to cost me more than I paid for the wrong ticket to change it!
Ugh.
When I discovered the error, the drop in my heart felt just like a major wipe-out on my trusty green bike with the pink banana seat did back when I was just a kid. I can vividly recall how the surprise of the skid-and-fall moment made me feel. And I remember all of the things that would follow in my head, like “Am I OK?” and “Did anyone else get hurt?” and, of course, “Did anyone else see that?” After those three big questions were asked and answered, then the other secret fears and questions would show up in my mind:
“Can I really handle this bike?”
“How did I let myself ride so far from home?”
“What was I thinking? I’m not meant to ride my bike this far or this fast all on my own…”
Maybe I’m not like everyone else. The inner me is not as together as most folks seem to be, and I’m overly prone to goof ups and mistakes that other people inherently know how to avoid. Lou and I have been living in a very long season of our lives where we don’t have any margin for mistakes, and so when they do end up happening, my blunders feel incredibly humiliating and frustrating to me. And I find myself feeling really guilty and upset at how sloppy I can be sometimes. The truly weird irony is, I’m usually trying so hard not to make any mistakes — like spending too much money on an airline ticket — when I make the biggest errors of all!
But once the sickening buzz of my latest mistake wore off a bit, I decided to look at myself as an observer instead of from within my own mind for a minute. And what I saw was a messy little girl with a happy bike leaning against the side of the garage, waiting for her to hop on and ride. She knows how to ride it — I’ve watched her do it before, and she’s a very conscientious pedal pusher. But every time she gets on the bike, I watch her doubt herself. She still believes she’s not good enough to ride that bike on her own.
And she still spends so much time worrying that she’s going to fall or fail others.
I find myself telling the little girl in my mind that the bike is there for her to ride, and she doesn’t need the help of training wheels anymore. This is her time, and she can handle it — even if she does get a little road rash from the fall she just experienced. So I square up her small shoulders and I tell her that she’s spent way too much time in her life believing that the sidekicks in her life made her better, stronger, and more ready for the road ahead. She doesn’t need to indulge that false sense of security the way she used to…
She’s good enough on her own.
It’s probably silly that seeing myself this way makes me feel better somehow… But it does. I seem to be able to forgive myself for my mistakes a little better when I can talk to my inner child and comfort her the way my mom used to comfort me when I was small and lonely. I have faith that something will work out with my ticket, and I also believe the larger reality of this whole experience has value in my process these days.
