Some of the things that people say stick with me forever for some reason.
But the statements that usually lock into my brain for the longest are almost always the funny one — or, I guess I should say, statements that are funny to me at least! But there is this one super random thing someone said to me once that has stuck with me for more than a year now, and even though it was said in one context, I’ve realized how applicable this off-handed statement is to how most of us go through life.
Allow me to set the scene…
I was working in my side hustle as a wedding planner’s assistant, and we were on day four of a four-day event. The venue we were working is this super cool property where 60 or so of the guests can stay on the property in these ultra-hip cabins, so the bride and groom can really spend some quality time with their favorite people over a four-day period of time. But by the time I’m rounding the corner on day four, my legs are pretty cooked from walking all over this enormous property, and, I’m also wearing a bit thin on the grind of serving people non-stop. I don’t really mind the serving even when I’m tired, but I guess I should just say, I notice the tone used in their various requests a bit more when I’m very, very tired.
On this particular day, the bride and groom were hosting a simple catered brunch that was dropped off at the venue but required the planner and me to set things up and keep an eye on the flow. We usually tidy up the tables from the night before and then set out disposable plates and silverware, and then we make sure that all of the food, coffee, and the bloody Mary and mimosa fixin’s are self-serve-accessible.
That morning, the brunch was going memorably smoothly, and all of the hung-over guests were trickling in at a nice pace. The mood was somber but happy, and it was really clear that everyone had totally enjoyed the whole weekend. But as you might guess, coffee on the morning after a kick-ass party is a top priority first thing, and so the coffee station was pretty popular. We always order a huge supply of coffee, sugar, artificial sweeteners and cream, but you never know how the coffee to condiment ratios will play out, so you just do your best.
As things were starting to slow down, I was checking all of the coffee containers and pushing the fuller ones toward the front of the counter when this very pretty woman with long dark hair and very tan skin approached the service area. I watched her pour herself at least her third cup of coffee (by my count anyway). After her cup was full of hot coffee, she started looking around the counter for something, so I stepped up and asked:
“Are you looking for some sugar?”
“No. Cream,” she said plainly.
“Oh shoot,” I said, with a touch of real disappointment in my own tone. “We just ran out of cream…”
“What?” she said with the look of sincere shock in her eyes. “You’re out of cream???”
“I’m afraid we are. I’m so sorry,” I added.
“I can’t believe you’d serve coffee without any cream…” she moaned in her LA-sounding, millennial-tinged tone.
Then she said the phrase I’ll never forget:
“Who does that?”
I’m pretty sure that question was meant to be rhetorical, but I remember thinking to myself, “Well…I guess I do…? Because we ran out of cream…?” But instead, I just stood there while this bitter look froze in place on her pretty face. I heard her mumble to herself as she walked away, “I mean, seriously. Who does that??”
My mind gets so weary after these big weddings, but it seems like scenes like that one seep into my storyteller’s brain more profoundly when I’m exhausted, and I remember laughing to myself about this girl’s outrage over my audacity to serve coffee to people without making sure there was enough cream! In her world, even the idea of that is appalling, shocking and just plain wrong. (I guess she’s never met anyone like me who prefers her coffee black!)
I told the planner about the little scene, and later, I told Lou about it, too, and all of us have had a pretty good chuckle over her reaction. Lou and I even started incorporating our own version of mock rage whenever someone does something that seems super off to us, and there have been times when we’ve said in unison, “Who does that?”
But lately, I’ve been thinking about how “the world according to that girl” kind of mentality is pretty pervasive in my own life. What I mean by that is this: I guess I’m prone to only seeing the world the way I think it should go, and when it doesn’t, I’m baffled. And when my world view is the only one I take into consideration, I realize that’s the gateway I slip through that leads me from living in a way where other people are free to be themselves into a world where I can’t fathom how they could be so stupid!
When I think about how this applies to me, and then try to expand my thoughts out a bit into our culture, I do see how easy it is to cluster off into tribes of like-minded ways of being and doing things, and so when someone comes along who doesn’t fit into that world of group-think, it can be baffling. And, it doesn’t matter what rallies people to group together — it could be race, religion, political views, common hobbies, common life-stages, and even common ways that people choose to doctor up their coffee. But once people are locked into a certain mentality that they somehow believe the whole world should share, it gives us all these specific places and ways to judge and dismiss each other.
Even though I’m usually just being silly when I say “Who does that?” in my head or when I’m goofing around with Lou, I’m quite certain my own set of internal standards have been the criteria I’ve used at times to isolate myself from other people who do things in ways I can’t fully understand. And even if I do think I understand their point of view — and maybe don’t agree with it for myself — my inability to fully surrender to the idea that other people are free to do their lives their own way hangs me up from time to time.
I guess since I just wrapped another four-day wedding event on that same crazy property, my mind and body are still a bit weary. But I’m also reinspired to look a little deeper into my own lexicon of saying, beliefs and behaviors to find a way to be more generous to others and how they do things. I’m not sure I’ll ever be awesome at finding the necessary grace for everyone around me. But.
