Have you ever wondered if your dreams are trying to tell you something?
I have. The problem is, I think some of my dreams could mean more than one thing, so even though I have a hunch that a vivid situation that’s taken shape in my mind while I’m sleeping is meant to offer me some kind of useful Truth in my life, I can’t be sure which Truth is the one I need right now!
Recently, I’ve had a cluster of super intense morning dreams that have swirled up in my mind and ended up waking me with a startle. As soon as my eyes popped open, I was incredibly confused and rattled because my dream state ended so suddenly, but my reality was so slow to fade into my awareness. So all I could do was just stay still and breathe in and out while my heart rate and spinning mind stabilized.
All of the dreams I’ve been having lately involve different people and different experiences, but the common thread is that they all involve my writing somehow. I’ve had a few projects in the past two years that I really believed I was supposed to be a part of, but they simply didn’t work out. In fact, one such project ended so abruptly that it felt like I fell off of a cliff and I ended up crumpled in the bottom of a crater with deep fractures in my spirit, and to my knowledge, no search party even looked over the edge to see if I survived the fall!
Even though I’ve had a lot of time to process and move on from all of these complicated endings, and I’ve worked diligently to forgive myself for all of the many ways I could have contributed to the failures and let downs in the mix, there seems to be some lingering emotions that I guess I still need to face. And even though I’m not a dream specialist or Freudian analyst of any kind, my guess is that it’s those leftover emotions that are tracking me down in my dreams all these many months later…
I guess they’re looking for me because what they need from me is some real closure.
The worst part about my troubling dreams is that in every case so far, each dream has ended with a person yelling at me — and I mean, really yelling at me — for not being a better writer! The scoldings I’ve taken in my dreams feel like they’re crushing me, and so when I do wake up, the first sensation I can feel in my limbs is the radiation of adrenaline that makes me feel heavy and overwhelmed.
When I recall the intensity of the dreams, all I can remember is that I can’t move and I can’t say anything in response to the person shaming me. All I can do is just stand there and take it. And some of the words are pretty brutal. So when I’m finally awake and aware of the fact that it was all just a very bad dream, it takes me hours sometimes to let the feelings go, even though those words were never really spoken to me. It was all in my subconscious — and no part of that experience was real.
But it sure does feel real.
And I guess that’s the part of my dreams that I’m wondering about the most.
Do my dreams feel so real because that secret place in my mind is trying to tell me something?
I should probably mention that it’s 2:00 a.m. right now, and I can’t sleep. I didn’t have a bad dream or anything — but it seems like my thoughts are haunting me in my reality now, too! But the difference is, when I’m awake, I can’t help but hold my thoughts more accountable. I know I’ve already resolved so much in my mind about the messy endings I’ve had with my writing and other people. And, I guess I want to believe that I’ve gained peace and perspective. Yet, I can’t stop thinking about the turmoil of twisted emotions that are still at play in my being that seem to only dare to come out once I’ve fallen into a defenseless slumber.
My gut tells me that the person who is shaming me in my dreams is actually me. No one else in this world knows how to shame me as well as I do, and the words I can recall in my mind sound exactly like the words I would use when I’m being my harshest critic. They’re too pitch-perfect, and they inflict the deepest kind of pain — and, there really is no other person who could use those words so precisely — even though in my dreams, they hurt even more because of the person I’m imagining saying them to me delivers them with such gusto.
My dad once gave me this really brilliant piece of wisdom. He said, “Sonja, no one is ever thinking about you as much as you are thinking about yourself.” And I know my dad was right. Even when I’m doing my best to find true empathy for other people, I’m still thinking about myself more than I’m thinking about others — which makes me even more certain that my dreams are all about unfinished business between me and myself.
I also realize that I need to release the people in my dreams differently than I think I already have. They wouldn’t be trapped in my mind the way they are if I truly emancipated them with my deepest apologies and then sent them on their way with all of my love and honest closure. So I’m sure that’s one Truth I can take away from my crazy dreams at least. It might take me a little longer to work out exactly how to do all of that in my own little head, but…I want to believe I’m up for the task!
Ugh…
I’m very tired now, even though I’m sure when I pad my way back to my bed, I won’t be able to sleep. My mind is too active, even though my body’s beat. And the truth is, I’m sure I won’t be able to solve the riddle hiding in my subconscious tonight anyway. But just writing about this disruptive dance with my emotions, as well as the plain acknowledgment of these festering feelings that seem to be trapped in the wrinkles of my mind does feel like a start to me.
