One of the first blogs I posted was about how much I don’t like “Unsolicited Advice.”
In that post, I recounted how some early morning jogger got onto me about walking with my hands in my pockets. I had this thought around day 10 of my 25 days of extreme pain from my pinched nerve:
Does walking with your hands in your pockets cause a pinched nerve in your neck??
Maybe if this lady had been more specific about the dangers, I would’ve listened and course corrected my ways on the spot! Probably not…because, again, I really don’t care for advice that is put upon me — particularly when I’m not seeking any! Plus, this was my very first experience with a pinched nerve, and so even if she had told me that one day soon, I’d be writhing in pain as result of pocketed walking, I didn’t have a clue how bad this situation can be. So knowing me, I would’ve blown her off no matter what!
But this thought has led to other thoughts this week on the topic of how I consume and offer advice and wisdom in my life.
One “idea” (if you will) that floated into my awareness last week has been the primary place for my pondering: the idea of emotional manipulation. [NERD ALERT] I heard the term on a podcast, but the podcast really wasn’t about this topic. The phrase was just part of an example the podcaster was giving to make a different point, but I couldn’t help but chew on my own reaction to this emotional manipulation idea for days.
As a storyteller, I love the use of story to tug on heartstrings and coax empathy out of a reader to help expand perspectives and understanding. Choosing just the right words to trigger a possible reaction, and finding the perfect pacing to ultimately set a juicy hook is something I savor in my craft like some people savor ice cream. And as a story consumer, I can easily get sucked into a complicated book or twisty movie when the story unfolds one layer at a time — and, when I’m given permission to have whatever reaction I authentically have, with no heavy-handed, pile driving agenda built into the narrative.
When I’m invested in a story like this, by the end, I realize that the story has managed to inspire my thoughts and add to my point of view, or in some cases, opened up my heart to a differing kind of insight that I didn’t have before. And there is a freedom that comes when I choose to understand something in my own way, versus when someone is shaming me into an understanding that perhaps my will isn’t entirely ready to consider or defend.
Anyway.
I’m really in such a seeking space in my journey with my writing right now, and so part of the reason this concept of emotional manipulation has been so important for me is that I’m still trying to find my voice. To be completely plain about it, I constantly catch myself feeling cautious when I post a blog that reveals the fact that I’m a Christian. I feel like that is such a loaded piece of information about me that can cause one reader to expect too much of me, while another reader may decide to reject me because my faith might make me too narrow-minded and judgmental.
And, when it comes to my fiction writing, I need to confess that I’ve gone out of my way to make sure my books don’t fall into the Christian Fiction genre. I don’t read Christian Fiction — I’ve simply never read a book that falls within that genre that didn’t make me feel frustrated or disappointed in some way. My life never unfolds in the way that the Christian narratives I’ve read tend to unfold. (And if you don’t believe me, then you haven’t started reading The Imposition Tour posts on this blog!)
But when it comes to Christian literature, very often, I feel like I’m consuming an agenda, not a story. And now I finally have a pithy term to describe how stories with a Christian agenda can sometimes make me feel:
Emotionally manipulated.
Even though I might agree with the foundational elements of a “Christian agenda,” I don’t always agree with the delivery, and, I don’t believe having an agenda in life is fair to anyone. In my understanding of things, we weren’t designed to handle an agenda — because I believe we were purposely created with a free and untouchable will.
I feel so sad admitting all of this, but I have to push these thoughts out into the open so I can see them differently. My faith is the most important part of me, and my relationship with God is absolutely central to everything I do, think, and feel. But I’m tired of how confined and conflicted I feel when I try to express thoughts about my faith in a world where being a Christian can be so polarizing.
Even God doesn’t touch our free will, and as a result, the God that I know has no agenda and no narrative that He’s running against me! He is just not like that… Yet well-intentioned people like me who want to help others see God are often cornered by these people and their fears resulting from previous agenda-filled faith encounters that make every effort to show love and Truth more complicated, and every post about my faith just a bit more loaded than I know how to handle.
I realize at this point I’m just rambling. I think I’m still figuring out how to be the real me in everything I do. And, I’m evaluating my motives and my heart on a much deeper level these days. I guess I just don’t want to have the kind of impersonal relationship with anyone who is reading my blog that sets them up to feel like I’m offering tone-deaf, unsolicited advice. I don’t want to be the kind of person who posts things that leave people stewing in old wounds, or that makes others feel emotionally manipulated by the thoughts I choose to share.
I fully realize I can’t control any of those worries I have when it comes to my readers, which makes those worries a pointless waste of energy! But I do care so much about leading into this next phase of my life with some newfound courage of my own convictions, but also with words and empathy that offers people space to evaluate their thoughts with the help of my thoughts with the singular goal of creating a connection.
I’ll keep working on myself in this area. And, I’ll keep trying to orient myself to my faith and my writing in a useful way. But each experience I have when I post anything at all gives me more to go on than I had in the beginning!
Oh. And just so you know: I’ve totally stopped walking with my hands in my pockets now. I feel like that is important to mention here…
