Don’t you wish you could control more things in life?
I know I do. But I think I’ve been wrestling with that desire for such a long time now that I’m convinced it’s not possible to live the kind of life I have and maintain any — or even a little — control. Per usual, that’s a big statement, but it has a million tiny stitches holding it all together inside of my understanding. I actually thought I was getting pretty good at letting things go, and not seeking ways to control very much in my life, but I think I was just kidding myself! Here’s why…
Today, I was super sad about my lack of control over one of the most important things I do most every morning: going for a hike.
I write about my hikes quite often because they mean so much to me. I love being up high on a hill, looking down at the constantly changing valley floor, and lifting up my thoughts and my burdens to God from a loftier point of view. It just gives me this edge I need, and, in a strange twist, it helps me let go of all of the many things in my life I can’t control differently than when I just pray all of those things in my living room.
But recently, the vineyard I live in changed ownership, and the new owners just put this heavy-duty lock on the gate that encloses the vineyard from the entrance to my hiking path. The gate has always been there, but in the past, the lock the previous owners used was rigged in such a way that I could easily open it, and it never stopped me from getting through. That’s not the case anymore… This new lock is pretty much Houdini-proof.
I’ve actually had a few worries about this happening because the new owners also installed a fence around the vines that rim my cottage, and the gate they added wasn’t obvious to me the day after the workers put it up. But this new lock on the outer gate is substantial, and it’s the kind that’s totally designed to keep the vineyard on total lock-down.
No getting in, and no getting out. Period.
I really needed my hike today to get my mind right, and so when I got to the gate and spotted the shiny new gold padlock and heavy chain, I just felt myself slip into a place of such disappointment. It probably seems silly in the grand scheme of things to be upset about a foiled hike, but being locked in from my morning ritual is a huge bummer for me.
Out of necessity, I ended up wandering around the vineyard that makes up my own backyard in search of a different place to think, pray, and ponder, and of course, it’s so beautiful here that I eventually found a spot to do all of that. There was this narrow pathway that leads along a stream that cuts through the vineyard that I’d never really noticed before, and so I wandered up it for about a half mile, and there, I found a series of rock terraces that provide a steady footing for about 150 vines growing along the incline of a hill.
I had everything I needed in that spot — beauty, solitude, stillness… But it just wasn’t the same. It wasn’t what I wanted, and the fact that I can’t get around that new lock is still bothering me even now. I want and I need that access point to get to the one place where I feel my greatest relief in the letting go. I don’t want to be restricted or cut off from my favorite place to be alone with God!
Ugh.
But what a ridiculous contradiction, right?
I want to let go of my burdens, but I also want to control how, where, and when I release them?! Oh dear… But I can see now that I want to be in charge somehow, and now that I can’t control the pathway to my favorite spot anymore, I feel myself withholding and stuffing my practice of meditation down inside of me. I actually feel my will pulling back on all of the things I know I should be releasing all because I can’t let things go in the place I want to be when I do it?! (When I say it that way, I kind of feel like a jerk…)
For the most part, my upset has subsided. Writing about it helps because it reveals how silly I can be… But, all of these thoughts are still crowding my mind, and I have to wonder if it’s possible that the release I think I’m experiencing when I surrender on my hilltop hike might be less of a real surrender than I want to believe? If I’m so conditional about the spot where I do all of my letting go, are there still some control issues in my make-up that I need to look at a bit more deeply?
I’m certain the answer to that question is yes.
The fact that I’ve been in such a glum mood ever since I discovered the locked gate is evidence that I need the release of my time alone in nature so much, but I’m going to have to accept that I can’t control where I spend my time alone the same way anymore. So I have a choice now. I can either let this obstacle ruin my release process, or, I can let a new idea float into my awareness, and seek out somewhere else to go.
I don’t think I’m totally unusual in my resistance to change. I don’t like it very much, and finding something consistent and comforting in my daily rituals makes me feel grounded and happy when the rest of my life makes me feel restless or concerned. But today, I’m wondering if a change in this area of my life might usher in some new perspective or some kind of refreshed understanding. Maybe reframing the idea of being “locked in” as a place for a new kind of awareness into my insular thinking will help me down the road.
I don’t know, but I think I need to at least try to see things differently.
To be completely open with you, I do wonder if you’re reading this post and having a tricky time not judging me for how much thought and energy I’ve put into a locked gate and a hike that didn’t happen the way I wanted it to. It’s OK with me if you do judge me. The interior thoughts and feelings I have don’t always make sense to me either, but they’re what I’ve got to work with as a blogger! So I’m choosing to share, and I’m practicing a form of surrender when it comes to what my readers may or may not think. (I like how that feels, by the way…)
There’s a Latin phrase I learned about today on my newsfeed: Solvitur ambulando. It basically means “It can be solved by walking.” I love that idea because moving and thinking are two of the things I love about my mornings the most. I really do feel better after a walk…especially when I don’t lock myself in by requiring that a walk has to be a hike!
