I have an odd relationship with social media, but I’m working on it.
In fact, I’ve been getting some coaching from someone who knows a lot more about it than I do, and yesterday, I had a session with my “coach” to help me sort out a few things. I left my meeting with some marching orders and a few homework assignments — one of which was to start posting more pictures of myself on social media, not just the graphics that go with my blog posts. Normally, I’m a very compliant student, and I do plan to be just that as I step into all of this.
But I guess I’m still trying to examine why I’m resistant to the idea of posting pictures of myself when I’m clearly willing to post so many other more revealing and embarrassing things about my life on my blog.
When it comes to what I write and share on this blog, I feel completely open to the idea of putting myself out there with no cover. That feels right to me for some odd reason… But when I tried to set myself up for a “selfie” yesterday, I just couldn’t pull the trigger! I was even doing something really interesting and in a gorgeous setting, too, but for some reason, it felt phony even thinking about trying to capture a moment in my life in a picture just to put on Instagram.
I guess I need to admit to myself and to my readers that I often get a little hung up and judgmental about some of the things I see on social media — especially when it comes to selfies and other personal pictures — and so I feel like anything I post will be scrutinized in the same way by others. But I’m the one who started the judging in my mind, and so for that, I do apologize. And, I do like seeing pictures of people I love doing things that they love… AND, I also believe that for some people, there could be some incredibly valuable reasons for posting the things that I catch myself judging or dismissing, and so I really do want to be better than that…
Ugh.
I think every picture tells a story — which is something you’d think I totally dig — but for me anyway, the story that’s often being told in the carefully curated and perfectly filtered images that some people post make me feel lost and more disconnected from the authenticity of life. I can’t possibly know what’s really happening in the life of anyone I know — whether I’m with them in person, or if I’m just peeping them out on Facebook. But I guess the digital-disconnect of using technology to create an “honest and meaningful” look into the life of someone else troubles me. I know I won’t be able to figure out my feelings about all of this in one post — and, I imagine I’m overthinking all of this like I usually do.
But I just want to do a good job of finding the right kind of connection for myself when it comes to my social persona.
Anyway…
I decided that since I haven’t figured out how to feel about posting a picture of myself today, I’d still post a picture, but it’s an old one. And the reason I feel so much better about posting an old image isn’t because I don’t like how I look now, or because I wish I was still as young as I am in this picture. Rather, it’s because the story this picture tells when I look at it means so much to me, and, I know the story very, very well.
This picture was taken soon after Lou gave me the only dog I’ve ever owned: Max. Lou bought Max for me a couple of months after I was diagnosed with cancer — and just before I started undergoing chemo treatments for my illness. The literature that the oncologist gave me to help my friends and family cope with the realities of my cancer included a pamphlet on how much better patients do with their treatments when they have a pet.
So Lou found me Max…
You see, pets need you just the right amount, so every day, they give you a genuine and selfless purpose to get up and move around in your life — especially on those days when the treatments make you extra tired and gloomy. But pets also have an uncanny capacity for unconditional love — and they never ask you too many questions, or demand anything from you that you don’t already want to give them. They just brighten things up a bit and give you a big dose of unquestioned love — which is something Max gave me every single day of his life. The fact is, the love I felt for Max overwhelmed me at times. So when I look at this picture, I see a great deal more than just a younger version of myself holding onto a handsome black Boxer.
I see a woman who I know was doing some very deep pondering about her future in a very intense way, but who decided the best approach to all of it was to snap a picture of one of the best moments she knew she still had. I still feel emotional when I think about how much Max helped me stay up and happy during a time in my life when I felt pretty crummy most of the time. And holding onto him in this picture felt so good and so safe…
But you’d never know any of this if I didn’t tell you. And in a way, this picture on its own betrays my truth about that moment in time unless you get to hear the whole story. How many other pictures have betrayed the truth of people I know on social media? I’m sure plenty…
I promise you, I will figure out how to do this social media thing. I want to invite people into my life — in fact, on this blog, I feel compelled to… But the purpose in my heart for wanting to connect always starts with the story.
