The header that goes with this post is ridiculous…and, the pictures of me in it were taken about 12 years ago, so I look like a baby.
It was a joke to take a series of pictures of me at my first press kit photo shoot in a fur coat and diamonds. My best friend, Vanessa, was with me that day, and some of the diamonds were hers and some were mine — and, the fur coat I’m wearing is named
I was in such a different place in my life at that first photo shoot for my novel, Hurricane Season. In fact, this photo shoot took place 18 months before I learned that we were wiped out, and so I was still living in a reality that made me very focused on all of the things I had and all the things I wanted in my future.
But I remember telling my sister and Vanessa that I wondered how a successful book could change me.
One of my very favorite authors at that time wrote this debut novel that blew me away I loved it so much. It was so beautifully written, and the main character was perfectly relatable in her vulnerability. It had these excellent plot shifts, the best ending, and the fact that it was written by a British author made the phrasing and pacing completely decadent to me.
But not long after I read her first book, the author’s second novel came out, and it was super disappointing. It was basically the same plot as her first book, only slightly different, and her main character was the opposite of relatable to me. Everything about this second book felt unoriginal and forced. Oh. And the author’s headshot on the back cover of her book was this fancy black-and-white close up of her wearing Chanel earrings and a huge diamond on her finger. It was as if the fame and fortune of one good book changed her so much, and I wondered if that kind of money could end up changing me, too?
Turns out, there was absolutely no need to worry about any of that!
All I have now are some fading memories of a successful first book tour and these hilarious pictures of myself pretending to “have to deal with my fame and fortune.” I’m not sad or bitter about it now, but it’s taken me a long time to fully let go of so many parts of myself as an author and as a person. Nothing about my life has turned out how I thought it would on the day that we did that photo shoot. Nothing whatsoever…
[And please allow me to point out that my latest press kit photos were taken in a laundromat — so clearly, my ideas about my life are very different than they used to be!]
Of all the ways I thought about money changing me, I never considered the reality of what losing everything could do to me. I was already well-off when I started out as an author, but I only ever considered getting more money, not less. I never prepared myself for how I would show up in the subsequent stories I wrote with nothing but my words and my convictions to offer the world — not my fanciness and the various trappings that seem to come with fame.
I guess I was too busy judging my favorite author as if she sold out somehow, yet at that time, I had no clue about my own price and the real ways that money already had a grip on me…
A girl who is reading my Imposition Tour posts on this blog recently asked me if I thought having money was good or bad. Actually, her question was more direct than that. She asked, “Was it awesome when you had money?” My first reaction was to wonder if someone out there had told her money wasn’t awesome! But then I realized she might be asking me because in so many ways, I’m still feeling a lot of shame about my past, and my relationship with the idea of money has gotten kind of twisted up in the story of my life in some of my posts.
I totally fumbled my answer with this girl — mostly because I hadn’t given myself permission to think about my answer before I spoke. (The pressure of being put on the spot is something I need to work on!) But with time to ponder and think, some useful musings have been shaping up in my mind.
For one thing, I think growing up as a Christian has put the darkest checkmark on my understanding of wealth. “Money is the root of all evil,” is a commonly misquoted version of a verse in 1 Timothy that I bet a lot Christians think of when it comes the question of whether it’s “good” or “bad” to be rich. And I really do think this is the reason the young lady was asking me the question in the first place. She knew I was a Christian and she wanted to qualify money inside of her faith, and she was hoping I could do that for her in mine.
For the record, the verse in 1 Timothy 6:10 really says, “The love of money is a root of all kinds of evil…” And also for the record, I think I’ve totally struggled with the love of money in my life at various points along the way. After having it, I’ve missed certain aspects of how much easier life can be with it, and sometimes…I really wish life would just feel easier again.
But being financially solid back in the day helped me “buy my way” out of a lot of circumstantially-based problems — which ultimately robbed me of some pretty important life lessons. However, I guess I didn’t really care about the lessons I was missing back when I could skip over them by opening up my wallet and paying someone to adjust my situation to make my life better.
Anyway.
On the backside of losing any form of financial footing, and struggling for the past decade or so to get things back on track, the things I miss the most about having money aren’t all of the things I used to have, or the places I used to go, or the luxuries I used to buy… Rather, what I miss are all of the tiniest things I always took for granted:
Always paying my bills in full and on time.
Never worrying about having enough money to buy groceries or to fill up my car with gas.
Having a car!
Knowing that I wouldn’t be stranded if one thing in my plans went wrong — because I could always pay someone to save me.
And while I do miss having nicer hair and better clothes, I realize my love affair with money is pretty much over. Like an old flame, memories of my life with a lot of things will sometimes seep in and I’ll wish I could go back and be more thankful for what I had. But these days, even though I do long for a shift and a change in how money enters into my life, my needs are less than they used to be, and my understanding of money and its powerful grip is much more dialed in.
I don’t plan ahead or imagine the back cover of one of my future books like I used to either, and, I don’t worry about fame or success in the same comparative manner as I once did. I know I have the ability to be very successful, but I see through the illusion of financial success now because experience has taught me that nothing is ever exactly how it seems. I’m still learning a lot of life lessons, but the ones about money are not as disorienting as they once were. And, if wealth were to enter back into my life again in a significant way, I’d like to think I’d know how to handle it better than I used to.
But to go back and better answer the question my sweet little reader asked me, let me just say this:
It was really awesome to have a lot of money back in the day…
And anyone who tries to talk you into believing that having money isn’t frickin’ fantastic is flat out lying to you.
[NOTE:Here’s a shout out to Herb Booth – the amazing photographer and friend who took these pictures. I have the best memories of that day, laughing with you and my best friend, V!]
