I’m so sorry if you started reading The Imposition Tour posts, and now they’re gone… I will put them back up — along with a lot more — but I just need a minute to figure something out.

Namely, how do I tell my very own, very raw story about my very own life when my story is completely intertwined with the story of my husband?

How can I get everything out of me about the horrors of the past decade of my life when some of those horrors were specifically happening to my husband?

Let me back it up a bit. I only just launched my blog yesterday, and already, friends and followers have started reading the content. I was so affirmed by the response, and I got a few really lovely text messages from close friends who told me they were “binging” on the content, and then asking when I was going to post more.

It was an incredibly affirming thing to know people are reading the blog — and when you’re a storyteller like me, all you ever want is for people to read and connect with your story! Even if they don’t like what you write, it’s OK because if they really read it, the story engaged thoughts, emotions, and feelings! And everyone’s feelings matter, and whatever the story conjures up can be useful…

Anyway.

For me, The Imposition Tour chronicles a period of my life where LITERALLY every single thing was on the line, and I spent years dangling from a pretty thin thread. But what knit me back together was writing about my past, and finding the lessons in my own words… But it’s just not the same experience for Lou.

Lou knows that I wrote a memoir about our life. And, he tried to read the manuscript when I was still planning to make The Imposition Tour into a book. But he couldn’t get through it. It gave him horrible PTSD. Reliving all of it again — and understanding how the events of our lives impacted me? Well, let’s just say it was no escape for Lou. And because we are such different creatures, it also gave him zero catharsis. Whereas the unwinding and the writing helped me find release and closure, The Imposition Tour is probably never going to be a story Lou wishes to relive.

So now I’m a little stuck. 

I thought Lou understood that I was going to be posting the memoir on my blog — and he says he did… It’s just overwhelming for both of us when something I’ve talked about doing for so long is finally happening, and there’s no way to control how others respond, or how you will end up feeling about all of it. All of this is adding a new layer of discovery to my awareness about control. I can control elements of what I choose to write and present to readers, but I can’t control anything else about the storytelling connection… I can’t keep you from thinking your thoughts, feeling your feelings, and having your own kind of reaction to my story.

And that is exponentially true for Lou…

I’ve written this one thing in my journal many times, so I’m going to share a thought I’ve been picking at for ages when it comes to marriage. 

It sometimes feels like a three-legged-race. My leg is permanently joined to Lou’s leg, and we’re one unit in this race called life. When Lou “zigs,” then I “zig,” too. Whatever happens to me, happens to him, and vice versa. So when Lou and I are in unison, it’s fairly easy to get momentum and to race toward a mutual goal.

But whenever Lou is “zigging,” and I’m “zagging,” everything gets imbalanced and tippy… And things like the fact that I’m 5’6” and Lou’s 6’3” starts to matter, and you wonder how the two of us ever thought we could win a race when we’re so completely mismatched for speed?

The thing is, The Imposition Tour is pretty much the story of Lou and me trying to run a race together during a time when our reactions to the same circumstances were tearing us apart. What was happening in Lou was only happening to me, yet there were greater forces at work that caused us to each try to run our life race alone.

But the fact is, on the other side of the worst season of my life, I truly know that I wouldn’t want to run my life race with anyone but Lou. He’s the best teammate, best strategizer, best everything, really, in my eyes… And even when we’re stumbling along with our legs joined together, it still means everything that it’s Lou who is by my side.

The posts in The Imposition Tour only get more raw for me, and most of the worst things that happened involved some deeply personal health experiences for Lou. While it will never be my intention to embarrass or over-share Lou’s story, the cross-over of our lives is impossible to separate. So what I need to do is take a beat to figure a few things out. I’m a wordsmith, after all… I know I can come up with a way to invite you into my story, while still honoring the privacy of Lou in a way that will work for him, too. (Well. That might be bold statement! But let’s just say it’s my three-legged-race goal.)

So please don’t give up on me! I’ll post a bunch of other content this weekend for sure. The story of me, this blog, and how sharing my stories changes me is not over!

It’s only just begun…