When you want something in the worst way, that’s usually how you get it.

If you’ve ever been my friend for any period of time, I’m almost certain you would’ve heard me use that quote. It’s kind of in the category of “words to live by” in my book. My mother used to say that phrase to me repeatedly when I was a young girl because I could get such tunnel vision about what I wanted. And, back in the day, my mom could always spot the moment when my kamikaze mindset started taking over my life.

But even though my mom would caution me with her words of wisdom, I didn’t always listen to her, and as a result, I’ve spent a lot of time in my life wishing I hadn’t wanted some of the things I’ve gotten so badly…

With age, some of us start to realize how smart our parents are — but in my case, I’ve always known how incredibly blessed I was to have a mother and father who offered me such great course-correction and counsel in my lifetime. However, it’s taken me years to integrate some of that wisdom into the mix of my decision-making process so that statements like wanting something in the worst way has become a default question I ask myself whenever I’m in pursuit of something really big or ambitious.

This week is a great example…

I was supposed to be on a flight to Washington DC right now, heading to that big media conference called CPAC. But instead, I’m propped up on my bed with a bunch of pillows supporting my neck, and an ice pack on my shoulder, waiting for some feeling to return to my left thumb and forefinger. I was fully planning to go to the conference — even with radiating pain on the left side of my back and all down my arm, because I really, really wanted to step back into my career in a big way this week.

Even after a few terrible mishaps — including when I tried to use my mostly numb hand to pick up a glass of red wine that tragically tumbled off the table and spilled all over my light-colored carpet — I was determined to find the will to go! But then the circumstances in my life started to corner me in such a tricky way that the culmination of things going on all around me triggered this very important question in my spirit:

Sonja. Do you want this reentry into your career in the worst way, or the best way? Because ultimately, it’s always your choice.

I was sitting next to my husband and sister-in-law in a hospital room after they wheeled Lou in on a gurney when that question floated into my mind. Lou had to go in for some pretty invasive tests yesterday, and the day before this procedure was scheduled, the doctors told us all of the worst-case scenarios that they’re legally obligated to mention when it comes to an invasive procedure like this one. Any kind of complication they could come up with was presented, and the realities were pretty hefty. So all of a suddenly, the pins and needles that were concentrated in my thumb and forefinger started to take over my whole body, too.

My rational mind wanted to believe that Lou’s tests would come out well, and that all of the various ways Lou’s body could respond to the procedure they were doing were just words, not a reality that we would have to deal with… And even on the day when we were told Lou needed to have this procedure, I was still trying to figure out if I should keep my travel plans on track. 

If the test results are good, then I should probably still go, right? 

The fact that my neck and arm pain seems to keep me up the most at night gave me a lot of time to think and pray the night before Lou’s procedure. The steady tempo of Lou’s breathing gave me so much comfort, but my noisy mind and buzzing arm made my thoughts feel twisty and complicated. Lou is taking a big leap of faith with me when it comes to my career starting up again, and the cost of my travel plans to this conference were a huge deal for us to figure out. 

But what about the costs you can’t measure in dollars? 

How far do you leverage your life to get the things you want, while still keeping the things you need the most?

If you’ve been reading The Imposition Tour posts, then you’re just starting to join me on my past journey into a terribly dark and scary time where on a few occasions, I literally wasn’t sure I was going to have my husband in my life anymore. Many of my upcoming Imposition posts involve moments of crisis, fear, and extreme uncertainty, and even though I feel compelled to share that story with others, that season of my life is often very painful and shameful to relive.

In the past decade, I’ve lost a great many things, but nearly losing Lou and myself are probably the two most gutting losses of all. So to find myself in a place where I could picture myself losing Lou to a serious health crisis (again), while contemplating what it would be like to miss out on this chance to step back into my career (again) left me feeling frustrated and confused. And let’s be fair here: no one ever thinks clearly at 2:00 a.m. when they are in great pain, and the night before Lou’s procedure, my pain felt like a 12 on a 10 point scale!

But fast-forward to Lou on that gurney. As soon as I saw him after his procedure, I felt peace in my heart. And when I went over to kiss my man on the forehead, I felt overwhelmed with clarity. Lou’s procedure was absolutely flawless, and the test results were the best they could possibly be. Lou is going to be fine, and with a few lifestyle changes, he’s better than golden. But in that moment, when the option to go the conference seemed more reasonable to me — and certainly less selfish — I knew I had the answer to th question that popped up in my spirit.

I only want things for my life and in my career in the very best way — even if I don’t understand what the best way is.

I found myself feeling thankful that God literally triangulated my decision to go between a painful arm, a potentially sick husband, and an empty wallet. I know what I’m capable of when it comes to manifesting and making opportunities for myself, but there really wasn’t a way for me to see things through without compromising some part of my world to get what I really wanted. And I know how willing I’ve been in the past to have what I want no matter the spiritual and emotional cost… But this time, I’m at peace because I know I’m in process. And, I have complete faith that things are still tracking with my career. The bottom line is, I don’t want anything in my life in the worst way anymore — not my career, not the success of my marriage, and not the pursuit of my greater purpose… 

It feels good to have this wisdom today. I’m thankful for all of my lessons — even the ones that have taken me so many years to learn. But now I at least know how to apply my lessons to my reality, which is a big step forward. Wisdom is always there for the taking; and as for my purpose, it’s never been more clear!

It will always come to me one lesson at a time.

PS — Lou is doing awesome today! And, my arm is on the mend. (My pain is like a 5 out of 10 today. Whew!) Oh. And I’m just about to put on my vinyl cleaning gloves to get out that wine stain on my carpet with a special solution of Tide + warm water. So all is well in Sonoma!