I already know that Lou is going to be so disappointed in me when he reads this post…
But last night, we were watching Game 3 of the NBA Finals on a time delay, and when the Warriors really started losing, I checked on my phone to see the score in real time. The news was just as I suspected — the W’s were going down and there was no coming back…
Right after I did what I did, I experienced this rush of thoughts, and that’s what this post is going to help me unpack. For starters, Lou and I watch most sporting events and pretty much every TV show on delay. I can’t think of anything we ever watch in real time! And so when it comes to a sporting event, I always have the option to “end the drama” by looking up the end result, but this is the first time I’ve ever done that.
I just couldn’t take the stress of not knowing something I could know for some reason last night.
Now, I should clarify that I’m not a Warriors super fan or anything like that. But I do live in the Bay Area, and honestly, it’s kind of nice to pull for a team that wins a lot. (When you’re favorite sport to watch with your husband is college football, and you’re an Ole Miss fan, you spend a lot of the season with a broken heart…) So I’m into the W’s because it’s what you do when you’re hometown team is in the NBA finals, and very often, I get kind of swept up in how good it feels to be on top!
But I know my need to peek at the score last night was more about what’s going on in my personal life, and less about my passion for the Warriors. I think sometimes when I stuff my feelings and emotions for too long, they find new ways to sneak out of me, and they surface in strange moments in my life with more gusto or intensity than I expect! So when the Warriors got off to such a sluggish start, and then never found their rhythm, I felt my body tightening with anxiety and frustration. And I could feel myself tripping on the court along with the team — and, I felt personally offended by a few “bad calls” the refs made that put an end to any hint of momentum the team started to create.
I think that’s how I feel in my regular life a lot these days.
I can’t seem to find any forward momentum. There are so many things happening lately that are beyond my control, and there are people who have their hands in our endeavors that consistently do things to intentionally (or perhaps unintentionally) thwart our forward progress — or in some cases, totally prevent us from putting any kind of positive points on the board. There are players on our team that don’t have the same heart or desire to as dig deep as Lou and I will, and very often, that makes me feel so stymied and frustrated. Yet I’ll never bench myself from the game. I have to keep trying! And so does Lou…
But while I thought checking the score in real time would help to alleviate my anxieties last night, I was actually quite surprised to discover that the knowing what I could know wasn’t all that much better than the tugs of stress I was feeling when I didn’t know. For one thing, once I knew the outcome of the game, it was quite boring to watch my team lose. I was no longer invested in any of Steph’s fancy shots, and I had no emotions to spend when a Raptor drained another three-pointer. Knowing curtailed my natural expression of hope, and sometimes, I think my entire body is fueled by my never-ending capacity to hope!
So knowing just made me feel empty.
But knowing the outcome also made me more annoyed when I felt like the ref’s got a call wrong because now I was seeing how each event during the game contributed to the loss. And when something seemed unfair (which all calls seem to be when you’re team is losing!) it made me feel bitter. So maybe I wasn’t as stressed, but the ugliness of bitterness inside of me wasn’t a very good trade-off! There was no relief, just a new vibration to sort out, and I think along with the bitterness came some shame that I wasted my time looking ahead to find out something I probably would’ve handled a little bit better in real time.
The thing I’ve started to accept about my life is that I can choose to live it in real time, or, I can choose to rewind it and relive my life stuck in my past. But I can’t fast-forward… I can’t know things before I’m meant to know them, and as much as I wish I had some say in the outcome or next big story arch in my life, it’s simply not an option. And if I learned anything from “my peek into the future” last night, it’s this:
Knowing doesn’t necessarily make anything better or easier to handle.
Checking the score might have eliminated some of my emotions, but knowing the outcome added new things to the mix of feelings I was experiencing. And maybe the way the events in my life unfold in real time is for my protection. Perhaps knowing something before I should know it would reveal a pivot or a shift I’m not quite ready to handle. Maybe a few more things need to happen in real time for me to accept the things God has planned for me in the very near future. I like to think this is true…
Of course, you should know that I’ve considered these thoughts with a positive spin on them, too. I’ve wondered how differently all of this would’ve felt if my sneak peek into the “future” last night revealed that the W’s had this amazing comeback in the final minutes of the game and stolen the win! Would looking ahead or glimpsing the “future” been OK then? Would all of these traded emotions — one bad one for another bad one — happened to me at all? And, as a result of a positive outcome when looking ahead, would this blog have a totally different tone?
I can tell you right now, I know wouldn’t have blogged about that discovery!
Because I know me better now than I used to, finding out that the W’s won the game after trailing would’ve felt like their victory, not mine. Whereas their loss and this whole experience I had feels like it completely belongs to me. I’m always trying to find the “wins” in my life, and I’m wired to achieve — like I’m sure most of us are in some way. But I don’t really feel the wins of others the same way as I feel my own wins, and learning something about myself is probably where I’m always seeking my victories. And, I don’t seem to do things in my life that set me up for the easy win, so I’m growing more accepting of all the struggles I’ll have to face to keep “doing me” the way I’m consistently compelled to do…
So while I do carry too much stress and pressure in my daily grind, I also know that the struggle and strain both create this important juxtaposition in my soul. When I know something, there’s no need for hope or creativity anymore — even if what I know is good or what I want. But when I’m living in this space of not knowing, I end up discovering this well of potential inside of my thoughts, prayers, and dreams, and for me, more than anything else, that’s “the juice.”
Yes, the things I do often feel tricky, and yes, my life feels like it’s too much right now. And man do I dream of one day getting some kind of break or some sort of relief!! But what I’m fixating on today is how much I want to receive my life in real time. I want to be in the moment I have — no matter how stressful, or trying, or dissatisfying it is. I want my life to come to me in the way and the order it’s supposed to come to me. No cheating. No manipulation.
