I got some gorgeous lululemon workout pants for Christmas.
They’re the most perfect shade of purple I’ve ever seen! The hue is somewhere between purple and periwinkle with a kiss of lavender or lilac in there, too. (I believe this is the actual color of my soul!) The color even seems to smell fresh and beautiful because whenever my eyes connect with a shade like this, all of my senses seem to engage. When I opened the gift box on Christmas morning, I couldn’t figure out what was resting between the folds of tissue paper, but the color was the first thing I noticed, and it was so spectacularly perfect that my hands instantly started to tremble.
Lou was instrumental in the selection of these gorgeous leggings, and I adore how he knows that a color like this would melt me inside! Just like Lou knew that the Dyson vacuum cleaner he bought me for my 40th birthday would absolutely blow my mind and change my life forever. (When it comes to my love of cleaning and this particular shade of purple, my husband just “gets” me!)
And it was beyond generous of my sister-in-law to purchase these very expensive stretchy pants for me — along with a second gift box with the most stunning lululemon top in the same shade of purple! I couldn’t believe how blessed I was just to be opening two boxes filled with so much beauty!! So I guess you could say the whole gifting experience was exactly what I think it’s supposed to be:
The gifts and the “givers” made me feel very loved!
But once the surprise settled in my tummy, some unwanted fear crept up about the stretchy pants — specifically because of the color. I knew right away the top would be perfect, but the pants had me worried. I was concerned that an expanse of color so light and so very clingy would show every flaw on the legs that they would eventually stretch over. They just seemed like the type of pants that required a firm “insert” inside of them to retain the unspoiled beauty of such a delicate color.
And as I suspected, this was exactly the case when I tugged these stretchy pants up and over my hips. They hugged in all the right places, of course — lululemon is always spot-on with the fabric quality — and, truthfully, they fit me like a glove. However, my body isn’t what it used to be, and as I twisted myself so I could inspect the fit in the mirror, all of the dimpled imperfections of a figure progressing beyond “middle-age” were easy to spot, and suddenly…
The color of my soul wasn’t so inspiring anymore.
It’s OK. I’m not sad or ashamed of my body, but I do think this whole fashion trend known as “athleisure” can be a little problematic in the grand scheme of things — for me, at least. I notice how these clingy fabrics make other women my age look, and so I know they see how I look, too. Women are just like that. We study each other to get a sense of things by going external on one another because it’s just so easy to do. And I’m not saying this is fair or right, but come on…
You know this kind of thing happens.
And while I will always try my best to see the good in everyone, I can’t imagine lavender stretchy pants at my age will make it easy for others to do the same for me! So I simply couldn’t imagine myself wearing these pants with that kind of distraction going on in my head. And as much as I wanted to keep those stunning stretchy pants, I can’t pretend I’m the kind of woman who can wear them with a total lack of self-awareness, or…the confidence I had in my youth anymore.
Now. It may seem like this post is skewing toward the topic of body image, but it’s actually about more than that for me. The feelings and thoughts I’m working through right now run deeper than the dimples on my booty or the crepey skin that hovers just above my knees. In many ways, I think I’m mostly sorted with all of those realities. Or I’ve at least come to terms with most of that for the moment. But it’s the stuff I’m trying to process about myself that I can’t judge in the mirror that has me more stymied these days.
You may have noticed that I haven’t posted a single blog since just before Thanksgiving. And before that entry, several of my other posts have been super spotty and kind of moody and lost. It’s been another complicated year for me to sort out and process, and even though I’ve grown used to that “unsorted” feeling, my struggles with vulnerability have been much more difficult to live with these days. I’ve been trying to locate the primary source of this emotional block inside of me for weeks now, but it wasn’t until I pulled those etherial lululemon stretchy pants over my body that the penny finally dropped.
It’s as if this blog feels like the most stunning, soul-colored pair of lululemon stretchy pants that fit me quite well…
But lately, I’m concerned that perhaps all of my flaws are too problematic for me to wear it well.
The color, the fit, and the idea of this blog all inspire me so much, and, it’s super “on-trend” for a writer like me to have a blog of my own. But for some strange reason, it’s been tricky for me to fully step into all of this lately. And I can’t deny that I’ve been struggling with the confidence I need to keep posting things on this blog.
Whereas my fiction writing feels more like a thick and cozy pair of sweatpants no one is supposed to see me wearing, a blog about my real life — or at least my inner monolog — sets me up for a lot more exposure. And that kind of exposure can be disorienting at times. And recently, posting my thoughts makes me feel as if I’ve reached an internal crossroads where I’m deciding to wear a lavender pair of stretchy pants, knowing full well that people can see and judge every one of my flaws, yet I’m fighting to find the desire and the will inside of me to wear them anyway.
And sometimes, I’m not sure I can live with the distraction of my own flaws — even when I’m rocking them in my favorite color!
Ugh.
It’s the last day of the year today. And this is the very last post of my very first year as a blogger, so I suppose it’s only fitting that I’m looking at myself this way, and trying to find my groove again. I know I’m often too hard on myself — in fact, that was something my sweet mom used to say to me all the time, and very often, I can still hear her voice in my head encouraging me to see myself with a bit more grace. (My mom always made me feel so loved…)
But when I was at the very busy lululemon shop in Dallas on the day after Christmas, exchanging the gorgeous lavender stretchy pants for a more sensible (yet still stylish) pair of jogging pants, I had this funny reality check. I found myself getting caught up in all of the beautiful colors and gorgeous styles in this super trendy shop, and all of the women who were shopping that day seemed so excited.
There was an electric feeling in the air as leggings, jogging tops and bras were being pulled off of over-crowded racks, and women of all ages, shapes, and sizes were buzzing around with armfuls of lululemon items they were excited to wear. And whether it looks good on everyone or not, the fact is, athleisure is very much a fashion staple these days, and perhaps embracing my own flaws with a bit more grace is something I should aspire to this year.
And that’s when another voice whispered some wise words in my head. It wasn’t my mom this time, but rather, it was the delightfully accented voice of Jack Black when he was living in his alter ego Nacho Libre:
“…Sometimes you wear stretchy pants… Just for fun.”
It’s a slight paraphrase of the original quote, but the wisdom of it was absolutely perfect for me! Flaws are just a part of being human, and trying to hide them is exhausting. And while I know I’ll probably still be concerned about how my body fits into a pair of stretchy pants I wear in public, and I know I’m always going to ponder and judge every post I put up on this blog, it is liberating to be reminded that sometimes…
