Giving others advice is tricky for me because after everything Lou and I have gone through in the past decade, I’m only absolutely certain of two things:

One, I can’t know what it feels like to be someone else; and two, they can’t know what it feels like to be me.

Of course, knowing those absolute facts doesn’t seem to stop me from having an opinion, or an idea, or a well-intended word or two for someone else when I can see that they’re struggling! (And, those absolute facts also don’t keep others from having those kinds of words of advice for me from time to time, too!) I think the impulse to believe that we can help others is probably common wiring inside of us as humans, and sometimes, it does help to know what someone else thinks about my situation, but then there are other times…? Maybe not so much.

But have you ever taken a mouthful of your own words and then turned them back on yourself to see if you could emotionally handle what you’ve just said? 

I did that this week, and my own words kind of crushed me.

There’s this situation going on in my midst, and it’s the kind of drama that brings out this “fixer mode” in me. Maybe you don’t have this mode, but I do. It’s when I invest myself in the problems of someone else, and I start seeing the outlines of the “perfect solution” that will get the person out of their jam — yet that so-called perfect solution is completely filled with inferences and only my limited and very personal perspective. In other words, my advice doesn’t look cutting on paper, but the reality is, even paper has the ability to leave tiny and painful cuts on the tenderest part of the soul.

Before I gave this person I care about some advice, I prayed about the words I would use, and I even pondered the motives in my heart to make sure I wasn’t over-stepping or involving myself more than I should. But after I said my thoughts to this very, very important person in my life, the look on their face was just blank…and cold. 

My words brought up a suggestion that could only land on the surface of the situation, and never once did I consider trying on my words before I said them. I never weighed the pressure of my advice with the scale of real empathy, and even though I felt certain this was wise advice, my words missed the mark of my intentions by a mile.

All I could do after I blurted out my thoughts was sit in the uncomfortable reaction of my friend because no more words would help the situation. Luckily, this person is someone I truly love and who loves me in return, and so I think there’s a built-in capacity to forgive that lives between us, and I know for certain my friend knew my words came from a good place.

But it’s been a few days since my awkward advice session, and I think more than anything, I feel embarrassed for my input. I wish I hadn’t said anything, but rather, I wish I would’ve just met this friend in that exact moment, and matched my feelings to theirs. It’s not easy to do that — especially when solutions and sorting problems can make me feel like I did a good thing for someone else. I like the feeling of helping someone…but I realize now, the feelings that offer the best clues in a situation like this one aren’t always the ones that rise up inside of me!

I’ll be blunt here and say that I’m not the best at just listening to people bitch about a problem over and over again without offering up a solution or a work-around. People who just like to bellyache and blame others kind of repel me. Yet… I’ve been a person who’s ended up in the kind of place in my life where the only thing I could do was bitch and moan, too… And boy did I bitch!! So if I’m being honest, there have been times when I would’ve repelled myself if I took the time to listen!

But…

When I’ve been in a certain kind of ditch, I know all I really needed was someone to let me vent…

So for now, I’m going to give myself a kiss of grace for my past go-around, and since my friend’s problem is far from being solved, I know I’ll have a second chance to do things differently — better, in fact — next time. But I think I’m also going to do myself one better, too. I think going forward, I’m going to ask myself this question before I offer someone my advice: “Sonja. Would you be able to hear those words without feeling judged if someone said them to you?“

In other words, I’m going to give myself the advice I’d give before I ever come close to giving it to someone else…

I’ll keep you posted on how this plan of mine works out for me…

It should be interesting!