I just got back from my first hike since my trip to Florida.
Believe me when I tell you that I could hardly wait to get back up on those vine-covered hills this morning! So when I got to the gate that leads me out of our property, I was rattled for a split second when I saw a shiny new combination lock keeping the gate closed. But like I said, the troubling feeling passed quickly because unlike other times when a new lock appeared, this time…
I had the combo!
The person who put the new lock on the gate told me the combination before I left on my trip, and I was sharp enough to put the numbers in my phone. (Whew!) The lock was so new that the combo was a cinch to dial-up and open, and as I let myself out of the property, I was overcome with this profound feeling of gratitude. I often feel grateful when I get started on one of my hikes, but the origin of this gratitude felt different to me today.
Lately, I’ve been trying to pick at this knot of feelings in my heart that seems to have been there since I was a kid, but in the last week or so, this familiar knot has tightened up on me in a very painful way. I only recently noticed the knot for what it really is, and I’ve started to identify these various threads and beliefs that have been balled up in my being for a very long time. And what I can see now is that there are some fibers of loneliness and fear twisted around each other, along with this other hurtful belief that has haunted me for most of my life.
It’s a belief that I’m easily forgotten.
As an extreme introvert, I spend most of my time in a world of my own making, and while I love this about myself, it can also be very problematic to only entertain my lonely thoughts. I catch myself creating strange narratives about the world and the people around me and how I “fit in” all the time. Typically, this is where the loneliness of my thoughts tends to strangle me the most because very often, I can’t see myself in certain relationships or situations very clearly. But my imaginations are so powerful, and when I lack clarity about how other people see me, I usually find myself creating realities where it’s just easier to believe that other people don’t really see me at all.
That’s such a whiney and pathetic narrative, I know, but it’s one I struggle with more often than I’d like to! I don’t know why I usually find myself in such a gloomy ditch of thoughts and emotions when other people are just doing life in their own little way. Perhaps I expect too much of other people, or perhaps they don’t expect enough from me? Who knows…
But as I’ve gotten older, and had more life experiences, there are times when I can see that my inner narrative does offer certain reflections of Truth about things taking shape outside of me — it’s just that I often misinterpret everything! Because sometimes, when I’m in a better frame of mind, my own Truth assures me that I’m not forgotten at all.
Rather…
I’m just not meant to be included.
Somehow, understanding the larger reality of my juxtaposition to other people and the world I mix in helps me find some relief in the loneliness I feel when people move on without me, or when I’m left to witness the backside of an opportunity as it passes me by. The ability to move my thoughts just a little bit outside of my control is my greatest form of surrender, and in the Light of that experience, sometimes I can see the unnecessary shadows that my own thoughts tend to create.
But today, when I had the combination to the lock, I experienced this incredible feeling of inclusion! I’m sure that must sound super strange…or even like a stretch in logic. But for me, what that lock and having the combination represented was huge. This persistent feeling of being locked out or just on the outside of something I really want has been following me around for quite some time, and I really don’t want to see the world around me this way anymore! I want to believe that I’m not locked out or forgotten. And in many ways, I already know this is true.
I know this because I have faith that the things that are meant for me are coming, and when they finally do, the combination of people, words, and experiences that will be added to my life will unlock something that’s exactly right for me. And knowing the way God seems to consistently work in my life…
