I was thinking about how nothing in my life is ever ALL GOOD or ALL BAD — if I am being completely objective with myself.
Lately, my posts have been a bit on the somber side (sorry about that, by the way) and, I openly admit that I’m processing some thoughts and feelings I wish I didn’t have to deal with. But…
That’s life!
And while it’s typically more cathartic for me to write about my struggles than my happy times, I do have so much to smile about and to be thankful for on any given day of my very blessed — albeit, messy — life.
Lou actually inspired the weird chain of thoughts that sort of helped me arrive at this ALL GOOD vs. ALL BAD revelation when he asked me what my favorite designer shoes were back when I used to buy what I think of now as “fancy-life footwear.” We were watching something on TV, and the opening scene of the show featured the feet of this woman slowly walking toward an elevator in a stunning pair of four-inch heels. The shoes were so gorgeous even Lou had to comment! (But just for the record, Lou knows a lot about fashion — so the question wasn’t weird for him to ask me — just my chain of thoughts might be!)
When he asked me that question, I couldn’t answer Lou right away, so he said I could think on it for a bit and get back to him. So as I climbed into bed that night, I gave myself permission to think about the question in earnest. Shoes used to be one of my biggest obsessions when I had plenty of disposable income, and also when I lived a life where I had more reasons to dress up than I do now. (The truth is, I didn’t need a reason to buy fancy shoes at one time in my life!) BUT, that was a long time ago…
So my mental obstacles in this silly thought process were to stop thinking about what I would wear now, and, how these days, I don’t really buy things I don’t need. But with those thoughts out of the way, the answer to the exact question was simple:
Jimmy Choos
I’ve had a few pairs of these shoes in my lifetime, and I have to say, those shoes always made me feel taller, “foxier,” and kind-of bad-ass whenever I wore them! The first pair of Choos I bought was sort of like a beginner pair because I found them at Off-Saks on sale. This pair wasn’t exactly a love-at-first-sight discovery like my other pairs were, and, they were not as flashy as my future pairs were either. But for me, the very first time I slipped on that pair of mid-height heels, I was hooked! There’s just something about the way these designer shoes lift my feet up to make my legs feel longer — and the construction of even the strappiest pair of Jimmy Choo heels I owned always felt solid and like I could trust them not to snap.
Out of all the many shoes I used to have in my closet, my Jimmy Choos were always placed on the best shelf, and they were the best-kept shoes in my collection. That’s because even though the shoes looked amazing, and made me feel amazing in my inner monolog, they also totally killed my feet and my knees if I wore them for more than 20 minutes.
My best friend, Vanessa, gave me the perfect name for these types of shoes: Dinner Shoes.
You just wear them from the house to your car, from your car to the dinner table — and if you must, for one quick round-trip to the ladies room — and then to your car, and finally back home. That way, you can strut your “stuff” in short bursts, but then rest your barking dogs under the table. However, while you’re at dinner, if you position yourself at a bit of an angle in your chair, and then cross your legs, you can still flash these amazing designer creations on your feet while spending time out in public!
But let me just say, you’re really pushing it if you wear Dinner Shoes to anything other than dinner. Believe me when I tell you that you…
Don’t want to wear Dinner Shoes to a wedding!!
Or to a cocktail party with limited or no seating…
I once made this type of mistake and wore a pair of my four-inch-heeled, strappy-beaded Choos to a party in a gallery only to discover there was absolutely nowhere to sit or lean! (Seriously?!) That was the first time I got a super bad blister from my favorite most coveted heels. The location of the blister was on the top of my left foot near my big toe (I still have a little scar), and it went painfully deep. The strap dug right into my flesh, and since I couldn’t find a way to relieve the pressure of standing in my stunning high heeled shoes for close to two hours, my toe just had to suck it up and endure the pain for the sake of fashion.
But such is life in a way…
When I get the thing I want, it’s awesome.
But sometimes, the thing I want comes with something really crummy, too — which isn’t awesome.
So sometimes, having the thing I want requires accepting the good with the bad.
There are all these things I think about in my life that I hope will happen to me these days, and sometimes, my storyteller’s mind will create the best narrative around how my life will get so much better if this one thing falls into place. I can even picture myself slipping into the experience as if I’m stepping into my most amazing pair of shoes. I can see myself standing taller, feeling more empowered, and owning the moment because I finally have it in my grasp!
But…in my life experiences so far, every single thing I’ve ever wanted seems to come with more nuances and layers of “happenings” than I ever bargained for. So…when I’m actually “walking around” in the story I wanted for myself, a nagging blister inevitably bubbles up to the surface, and I’m sidelined with a bit more difficulty than I imagined.
However, the truly wonderful thing is that the “worst things” that have happened in my life — like the circumstances I never saw coming or the experiences I never wanted to happen — have also ushered in a few surprises that have added so much goodness to my life. So I may be totally sidelined with a blister, but perhaps that pain slowed me down enough to notice someone or something I might have strutted right passed if I hadn’t been so hobbled up — or at the very least, slightly humbled by my blister.
Frankly, I’ve changed a lot since the days when I consistently I wore fancy shoes and clothes. And not all of the changes I’ve had to accept have been all good or all bad at any given time. But partly what’s changed in me is this: I don’t miss having Jimmy Choos in my closet like I used to. Mostly because…
I can’t live my life in 20-minute bursts of awesomeness any more!
But, I’m actually really thankful I had those shoes when I had them. They really were so beautiful, and despite my many blisters from wearing them, those shoes “walked me into” some fantastic memories! And while I still love the idea of a shoe elongating my legs and making me feel bolder and more confident, I think now, I’m just too old to sacrifice my comfort for the sake of fashion. (And, I know there’s a very stylish line of Jimmy Choo sneakers now. Just sayin…)
But I also understand something new about myself with some hindsight to add to the picture. That major blister I mentioned from my Jimmy Choos didn’t stop me from wearing those heels again. (I just strictly wore them to dinner after that.) But the scar I gained on my left foot also dulled the future pain caused by that crystal-covered strap, so I only had to break the skin one painfully awful time… After that, my favorite shoes could rub me wrong, or even pinch me and make the balls of my feet ache. But those shoes could never cut me as deeply ever again.
So in a strange example of gaining some “Truth from experience” in my life, I see now that persevering through the pain can give me the stamina and the wisdom I need for both the guts and the glory ahead of me in my life. Blisters always heal over, and because I know who I am, my heart will always yearn to take big steps forward in my own painfully tricky way. So I’m always going to need a little pain to toughen me up so I can tolerate the “highs and lows” ahead of me in my life. I see that I need the good and the bad to give me some balance in my stride…
