I’ve been wondering how the term “stepparent” came into being.
I don’t actually want to know the answer… I guess I’m more in the mood to ruminate about what that word means to me in a post. But let me just say, there’s something really visual about this term for me. In my mind, the idea of a family is represented by this linear arrangement where each member of the family nestles into a very specific and orchestrated flow of:
PARENT 1 <- -> PARENT 2 <- -> CHILD #1 <- -> CHILD #2 etc…
But when you insert a STEPPARENT into the situation, it totally jacks up the flow for everyone.
Especially if the STEPPARENT adds STEP SIBLINGS to the mix.
So from my point of view at least, the only thing adding a STEPPARENT to the family line does is make everything incredibly uneven. That’s because the STEPPARENT doesn’t naturally belong in the flow in the first place — and in my personal experience, that’s pretty much how it feels to be a STEPPARENT. And even though it’s completely unfair for me to speak for other people…I think I can safely say, that’s how it’s felt to everyone in the family line I “joined into” more than 20 years ago.
As a STEPMOM, I simply don’t belong in the natural flow of the family.
It’s been a pretty long time since I’ve felt the need to define myself as stepmom for anyone. My stepsons are in their 30’s now, and I’m not even a tiny part of their lives anymore. I was never a big part of their lives to begin with — although, just my very existence as Lou’s wife (not exclusively my presence in their lives) is an incredibly disruptive factor in our family dynamics to this day. We’ll never know for sure if the lives of “my family” would’ve been better or worse without me, but there have been quite a few seasons of my life where I’ve wondered if I really am the root cause of so much heartache in this family. (My stepsons certainly like to say that — which I do understand.) But I fell in love with my stepson’s father, and I could never regret that…
From day one, my presence in the family line tripped everyone up, and no matter how I tried to orient myself to the situation, I knew I was always just a little bit in the way, or just a little bit off the mark. I think I was like this troublesome obstacle that affected the direct flow of love in the family line. But because I’m human — and not just some unwanted tripping hazard in the mix of things — I wanted some love to flow to me, too. But I know I made way too many mistakes to generate a lot of family affection in my direction. And the fact is, “family affection” was never really mine to expect.
I always knew I had love from Lou, but sometimes, I doubted that I had “enough” — and, I always sensed that my stepsons felt like I was taking too much of their portion of Lou’s love, too. So everything about the love in our family felt like it had to be re-routed or hijacked, and Lou was always the one stuck in the middle of all of it, trying to figure out how to give each of us all the love we deserved. And sometimes, the fights we had over Lou’s love for us left Lou a little lacking when it comes to the kind of love he needed and deserved from all of us…
That has always been the most difficult reality for me to organize in my mind when I married a man with kids. I wanted Lou to love me the way I thought a wife should be loved, but he was already deeply in love with two other people that didn’t love me. But I believe that every person in our family deserves love from every other member of the family, however, when it comes to me, the only two people my stepsons wanted to give and get their love from was their father and their mother. And I think they both wanted all of their love from both of them. That’s all they needed because that’s how the family system was designed.
DAD loves MOM <–> MOM loves DAD <–> DAD & MOM totally love their CHILDREN.
So there should be no need to share or receive any love from someone extra like me — no matter how loving or unloving I could be.
And… I totally get that.
Yet in the original line of our family, the flow between Lou and his ex-wife was always damaged. They tried very hard to make it work, but things just couldn’t be fixed and they had to face that reality. After that, I met Lou, and the flow of love between us was the first of its kind for me, and marrying Lou was what I knew I wanted — even though I suspected his kids might never love me — let alone like me. But when we officially added me to the family line? Well, let’s just say that if there were problems with the original plumbing…
My presence sure didn’t help!
I hope this post isn’t sounding too whiney or bitter — or like I’m exclusively comparing my family life to some bad plumbing — because that’s not where I’m coming from at all. I’m actually feeling strangely removed from the incredibly heartbreaking emotions that usually catch in my throat when I think about being a stepmom. I’m just trying to look at things differently now that I can choose my thoughts (versus react to my emotions) while hovering slightly outside of my family dynamics at a much safer distance than I used to.
For so many years, I wrestled with my feelings about my stepsons, but let me just say, my stepsons never made their feelings about me a secret. Openly knowing that someone doesn’t like me is incredibly difficult for me to accept. I think it’s safe to say that most people prefer to be liked… But no matter how much time I spent trying to rationalize my feelings (or theirs), the thing I could never admit to myself is that I was never going to fit into the flow of love without some disruption. I couldn’t figure out how to push my love toward my stepsons, and I couldn’t avoid getting sucked into the conflict when my stepsons would create a vortex by pulling away from Lou because of me.
Looking back now, I know I always thought I could overcome all of this push and pull somehow, but I couldn’t. And the truth is, the more I tried to force myself to fit into the family line, the worse I made things. I see now that I couldn’t choose my battles back in the day because everything felt like the battle I needed to fight…and so I feel as if I might have ruined things because I never knew how to give up or let go.
If only I could’ve accepted my place just slightly outside the direct line of love, maybe things would’ve been easier for us.
But I know myself too well…
I still would’ve wanted the flow of love to be “perfect” for everyone, even though I’ve always known the system’s totally rigged against me.
As I previously mentioned, I don’t have a relationship with either of my stepsons these days, and in fact, I haven’t seen or talked to one of them in many years. I’ve had contact with the other one, but I usually try to give him time alone with Lou because I don’t tend to add a lot of positive vibrations to his visits. But I do very earnestly pray for both of my stepsons — every single day. Currently, one of them is facing a huge challenge in his life, and I’ve actually been overcome a few times with my emotions this week when I think about him and his brother. I know neither of my stepsons wants or needs me in their lives, but like it or not, I am…
And like it or not, I do actually really love them.
Now, I’m not a betting person, however, I would wager that there are some people out there who have had a wonderful experience in their role as a stepparent, and maybe everything I’ve written in this post seems off or unfair. I’ve had a few fantasy narratives in my days about having a healthy relationship with my stepsons — mostly because I know how much my husband loves his sons, and I want Lou to have a totally unencumbered flow of love in every part of his life. Lou deserves that from us. He’s the conduit of love we’ve all been clinging to…but it sure would be nice if everything in our family dynamics wasn’t so hard.
My original thought at the top of this post was how the name “stepparent” came into being. I think I’ve at least answered that part for myself! But beyond that, this post has been a “step” of sorts for me on a personal journey I’m just now starting. It involves letting go, seeking and granting forgiveness, and making peace with myself about how I took on my role as a stepmother to Lou’s two sons.
There was a section of a hike that Lou and I used to take when we lived in Utah that was so steep that someone actually built some steps into the mountainside to help you keep your balance on the climb up, and on the descent down. I remember thinking back then that sometimes a step that shouldn’t naturally be there really comes in handy…
So maybe now I can give myself permission to believe that in my case, being “the step” that doesn’t naturally belong in the family flow doesn’t just make me an unwanted obstacle that causes everything about my family dynamics to feel uneven. Perhaps instead, I can see that the authentic investment of my heart into this family did add some genuine love to the flow. And… I wonder if I just keep on praying, and if I keep on loving Lou and loving my stepsons from a safe distance, maybe in my case…
