For me, the answer to that question is not a Capital One credit card!
Maybe five years ago or so, I responded to one of their “invitations to apply” only to get a totally demoralizing rejection letter in response. Yet that company continues to send me solicitations to this day — at least two per week — which really bothers me because it’s such a waste of my time! And then, on top of that, Jennifer Garner (who I love) and Samuel L. Jackson (who seems kind of intense) demand to know what’s in my wallet every time I turn on the TV?? Really? Sometimes, I just want to shout back:
“Stop asking me! You’ve already decided my wallet is too shabby for your stupid card!”
One of my more recent posts about my relationship with money prompted my sister to admit something to me that I never knew. She told me that back when I first went broke, she gave me some money and I bought a pair of flip-flops with some of it. She said when I told her this, it made her judge me a little and she asked herself, “Why would Sonja buy flip-flops when she could’ve used the money for something she really needed?”
Well, first of all, allow me officially thank my sister for all of the millions of ways she’s supported me and kept me afloat over the years. She’s the best of the best, and I love her so much! And then please join me, if you will, in letting my sister off the hook for judging me! It’s completely understandable.
The fact is, I judge myself all the time — now as well as for back then. Plus, I also judge how other people spend their money, too. I can’t help it… And, if you want to know something even deeper and darker about me, I’ve actually felt jealous of strangers at the grocery store who bought things I decided I couldn’t afford — and then, I’ve judged them for not being more excited about the frivolous gum purchase they made at the last second just because they could!
For me, it’s very tempting to jump inside of someone else’s wallet and then judge them for how they spend their money…so I guess I figure other people are doing that when it comes to me, too.
The truth is, I don’t remember buying the flip-flops my sister mentioned, but it sounds like something I would do. When I was first coming to terms with the financial losses in my life, I still lived in Florida, and flip-flops were an essential part of my wardrobe. However, since I can’t remember exactly when this situation took place, I can’t defend my decision very well.
But I can tell you if it was early on in my journey, the purchase might’ve been super selfish and padded with a belief that any day, Lou and I would get our” lives back” on track. (And, I’ll admit that it was hard for me to adjust my definition of a “fashion emergency.”) But if this happened a few years into our financial ruin, then I can tell you that I likely agonized over purchasing those flip-flops, and I only did it because I somehow justified how badly I needed them in my own twisty little mind.
I don’t think you have to be super rich and then super broke to have a complicated relationship with money. I think most people think about money and their things an awful lot. There is a nebulous but building pressure in our culture and our reality that I believe makes most people strive to have more. And there always seems to be some way you can leverage yourself to get what you want. The fact is, even now, I’m still caught up in that type of vortex of pressure on a regular basis, and maybe I always will be. But in my own way, I have tried to reorient myself so that my desire for more things or my quest for more money won’t suck my soul out of me the way it has in the past.
These days, I feel the happiest and most secure when I have the money I need to pay my bills. But what makes me feel downright decadent and truly spoiled are plenty of Tide Pods and ample amounts of toilet paper on reserve. When I have those two things, I feel like I have everything I really need to keep going and to show up strong and optimistic in my life.
(It’s the little things, right?)
But please don’t get me wrong: I do want to be successful in my life, but at the moment, money is only one of the measures of the success I’m seeking. I’m in this space where I really want to hold out for more, and that’s even scarier than just focussing on my finances! But we all need money to survive, yet none of us really knows how it feels to be in anyone else’s shoes. So judging the survival skills of someone else based on how they spend their money simply isn’t fair.
And I’m so sorry for the fact that I do judge others the way I do sometimes…because after my experiences, I have to believe that everyone is doing their best.
Because most of the time, that’s all you can do!
Lou and I both used to say that our experiences have taught us the difference between “need” and “want” — and I do believe that is mostly true for me! I know I don’t need fancy hair or nicer clothes — those are just two things I want. And to be brutally honest, I’m pretty sure I could live without the Tide Pods…but just barely. (However, since my “brutal honesty” has been put on deck here, you should know that I’ve hoarded a small jug of Tide Original liquid in the back of my utility closet just in case things ever get desperate.)
